Mind Your Own God Damn Business

(I thought about breaking this up into two normal-sized posts instead of one giant one, but then I decided that the people who read this blog are too savvy to fall for that, and probably smart enough to stop reading on their own if it’s not interesting. It’s good to know that I have three papers due next week, and I’m putting all of my writing energy into blogging about the Insane Clown Posse. If anyone can think of a way that I can print this out and turn it in as a South American Geography paper, by all means, let me know.)

So I have some bad news, for me.

There’s been a ton of people making fun of Insane Clown Posse’s new song “Miracles”, which is, unsurprisingly, Insane Clown Posse saying dumb things over terrible beats. In this case, they’re talking about how “gee-whiz, the world is s such a neat place, it must be a miracle!” Here’s the video, in case you’ve somehow avoided it or you’re reading this post a week after it was written, which is about how long I’m expecting it to be before everyone completely forgets that this video ever existed.

This latest episode of everyone piling on to Insane Clown Posse for being stupid has had two effects on me, both of them negative.

1. I wanted to be part of the fun, laughing at how dumb they are, but I can’t enjoy it anymore. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. There’s no denying that their new video is dumb, and the sentiments expressed in it aren’t anything that anyone older than fifteen will find clever or insightful, but isn’t that kind of the case with every song that they’ve ever done? I mean, normally it’s about killing people and smoking weed, but it’s always hard not to roll your eyes when you hear them rap.

2. After watching the “Miracles” video, I dug around some other Psychopathic records videos, and I’m getting dangerously close to getting into their music. There were several songs that I found myself starting to enjoy. Here are a few of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely in love with any of this. It’s not like I’ll be playing any of it at my wedding (Actually, maybe I should. That would be really funny. Yet another reason why I will end up never getting married.)

But I don’t hate it, either. In fact, I kind of like it.

Should I just admit that I like this music and become a Juggalo? Naturally, I decided that it was time to make a pro/con list to decide. That’s always what I do whenever I’m trying to decide if I should start consuming a type of pop culture that I previously ignored (note: no, it’s not.)

PROS:

It reminds me of being 18: As I’ve mentioned many times before, I’ve heavily romanticized my late teens. Whether it’s true or not, I remember that being a time where if I had a bunch of Dr. Pepper, a Playstation, some rap-metal CDs and a connection to the Internet, well, I had everything I needed. When ICP and Twiztid and all those other goofballs aren’t rapping about killing people or having sex with dead bodies, it’s usually about living a blue collar lifestyle, so even though I’ve never really listened to any of these artists, they seem to evoke a weird sense of nostalgia for me. The fact that they have such hardcore fans also reminds me of being able to shit my pants over the awesomeness of a band, which brings me to my next PRO:

Is it really any less ridiculous than the music I listen to now?: The answer is a shameful and unequivocal “No”. Up until my mid-20′s, I was in love with a band named “Limp Bizkit”. I used to listen to a band named Mudvayne, a heavy metal act who wore goofy makeup while they played. At various points in my life, I have loved the band Slipknot, a group of guys who wear SCARY MASKS and sing songs with tough-guy lyrics. At least, that’s what they did until Summer’s Eve started sponsoring them and they started singing songs about breaking up with just enough distortion in them that teenage girls could feel hard while they were listening. Compare this video, which I loved harder in 1999 than I will ever love anything again, with the ones above:

What are the discernible differences? As near as I can tell, there are only two: It’s a little heavier and harder to understand. More on that in a minute, but when you look at the music I currently like, becoming a fan of Insane Clown Posse seems less like a sea change and more like a logical progression.

Fly Juggalo Bitches: Okay, so, not exactly. But there are girls who listen to this music, and there are not girls who listen to metal. Don’t believe me? (Just kidding. I know you do, but humor me) My friend Christina shared the following study with me the other day:

‘Hard and heavy’: Gender and power in a heavy metal music subculture, Krenske, Leigh; McKay, Jim.
Conclusion: Study found gendered regime of power in heavy metal club. Women claim to gravitate to the heavy metal scene to escape, however they end up in another oppressive context where men dominate the scene and women are kept in their place.

See? It’s science. Metal is not an accommodating environment for the ladies.

On the other hand, as near as I can tell, the ladies love this trash. Observe:

Granted, I get strong vibes of  ”Crazy”, more than a hint of “Wal-Mart cashier” and a disturbing touch of “Still in high school” off of these girls, but it’s also pretty clear that they’re girls, and not fat sweaty dudes with long greasy hair, which is the demographic I normally share space with at concerts.

CONS:

You have to wade through an ocean of shit to find the good music: As near as I can tell, Insane Clown Posse and all of the groups on their record label make twenty or thirty albums a year, and most of them are filled with trash. As an experiment a few years ago, I listened to the entire ICP discography from start to finish. It took me about a week of constant listening. I don’t know how many albums they had out at the time that I did that, but they currently have 36 available for purchase on iTunes, and I don’t think it was much less than that. It certainly seemed like a lot. Twiztid have 18. Based on my original listening marathon, ICP averages about one song that I like every four albums or so. That’s, what, about a 40 hour week of listening for 9 songs I like, just to get through the Insane Clown Posse? I considered listening to the discography again and doing a running blog of it, but I don’t think I can handle it again. Maybe if I completely run out of ideas I’ll subject myself to that.

It’s painfully easy to understand the stupid, stupid lyrics: Most of the music I listen to is considered garbage, and falls into two categories: Metal and Techno. Techno doesn’t have any words, and it’s usually really hard to understand the lyrics to Metal. This is a good thing, because the lyrics to the music I listen to are typically embarrassingly bad. Insane Clown Posse is just as bad, but unfortunately, those assholes really enunciate, so when they say something like “Water, fire, air and dirt/Fucking magnets, how do they work?“, I can understand every syllable.

It's dripping blood, so you know it's hard.

Wardrobe: Essentially, I’m going to have to throw out every article of clothing that I own. To fit in, I’m going to need to invest in faux hockey jerseys, those goofy giant jeans that were cool in 1997 and oversized black t-shirts, all of which will need to be covered in that dreadlocked-clown-with-a-hatchet silhouette. I will also need to invest in a car, something equivalent to my previous ’91 Toyota Camry, and cover every available surface of it in those decals. A few tattoos wouldn’t hurt either. Juggalos take that shit seriously. Speaking of,

Some of the dumbest terminology ever: Like I said, I used to listen to a band called “Limp Bizkit”, but I can’t get over the fact that ICP fans are called “Juggalos”, a term that everyone knows the Wicked Clowns stole from the Dr. Seuss children’s story “The Juggalo”, a tale of a whimsical creature that teaches two inquisitive children the importance of recycling. I think everyone remembers sitting in second grade and listening in nail-biting anticipation when the children in the story first discover the Juggalo sleeping in their back yard:

“Then we saw us a sight that was something to see! A creature, asleep by our Muz-a-wump tree! Its fur was bright blue, which I found a bit weird, and a-perched on his face was a red bushy beard! Then the creature awoke from a slumberous sleep, and he stared at us both without making a peep! ‘What ARE you?’ I asked with a lump in my throat. ‘A Murfewlus Slark, or a Diddly Groat?’ Then you will not believe what that animal did! It blinked twice and said “I’m a Juggalo, kid!”

I’m just kidding. The Juggalo is actually a character in a Roald Dahl book, by the same name, about a little kid who’s really smart but badly mistreated by her family until the Juggalo comes and saves her and gives her family their much-deserved comeuppance.

I’m just kidding. It’s a monster in Alice in Wonderland.

I’m just kidding. It’s a slang term that the main character in A Clockwork Orange uses to refer to doughy, unpopular teenagers.

I’m just kidding. I don’t actually know what it means. I just know that it’s a really stupid word, and all the fans love it, and all the artists constantly say it in their songs, and I can’t take it seriously.

THE VERDICT:

Pros: 3

Cons: 4

Looks like the small amount of dignity I have is safe until I come up with one more reason why I should become a huge Insane Clown Posse fan! At least, as far as you guys know, because that’s my official stance on here. Anyway, It’s time for me to do something productive with the rest of my day, which certainly does NOT mean getting in my brand new 1983 Plymouth Voyager that’s decked out in hatchet man decals, bumping some Great Milenko, and cruising the Wal-Mart parking lot to try and find some hot methed-out 21 year old cashiers to impress with my bleached blond dreadlocks and tent-sized Jnco jeans.

FAM-I-LY!