Mind Your Own God Damn Business

As I’m sure you know, today is Valentine’s Day, bar none the holiday that I hear more people bitch about than any other. Single people are always angry about it because they feel like it’s a day designed to smear their loneliness in their face like they’re a puppy that took a dump on the carpet. A lot of people in relationships seem to be just as pissed off about it too, complaining that it’s just a day designed to force them to buy crap for their significant other.

"Oh-hoh-hoh! Hoota no bichu kan tu Han Solo!!!"

This makes me feel like I should be bummed out. I’m single, so I should either be bitterly complaining about what a shitty holiday Valentine’s Day is or crying and masturbating. For whatever reason, though, I’m only doing one of those activities, I don’t appear to care, and I’m not exactly sure why. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I have a guess.

First of all, being single means that I don’t have to do any work. I don’t have to put any energy into attempting (and ultimately failing miserably) to make it a good day for my significant other. And trust me, I would fail miserably. I am terrible at Valentine’s Day. One year the girl I was dating said it should be super casual and that we didn’t have to celebrate. I assume that you already know how this story ends, so I’ll skip through the middle and go straight to the end:

We spent about two days fighting, and I learned an incredibly valuable lesson that day: When a 20 year old girl tells you that something isn’t a big deal, make no mistake; she’s lying to you. If anything, it means that it’s MORE important than a normal event, and unless you like fighting, you should prepare for that event as though your ability to do anything over the next 48 hour period other than listen to a girl yelling at you depends on it. Seriously. Anytime you hear “It’s okay. You don’t have to (X)”, you need to pay close fucking attention and then do whatever it is that you “don’t” have to do, because the subtext of that conversation is “I want you to want to do this without me asking, so I’m going to say you don’t have to so I don’t feel like I’m forcing you into anything, but even as we speak, I’m oiling and sharpening my testicle shears just in case you fuck this up.” Just a friendly heads up for all of my readers who are in the market for 20 year old girls, which is exactly none of them.

I can write that one Valentine’s day off as me being really stupid, but there are plenty of other examples where I made an effort and ended up screwing it up, which is really just an extension of how I interact with girls. I try to be friendly or make a date special, and decide that the best way to do that is show up at her parent’s house naked with a severed horse penis in one hand and a DVD of homemade snuff pornography in the other.

Hey, don’t ask me. I think it’s a bad idea too.

One of the slightly less horrifying images that comes up when you google "testicle shears".

What I’m saying is that you don’t have to burn any calories having a bad Valentine’s Day if you’re single. You’re not doing anything wrong and pissing off someone important to you. You’re just ramming your face full of chocolate while you cry and read romance novels on the can.

Apparently this post is just going to devolve into me listing off random wacky scenarios. Oh well.

SECOND OF ALL, my last two relationships have been kind of rocky. Looking back on them, I think it’s pretty clear that the person I was dating and I weren’t very good matches for each other, and were just looking for someone to be with, because after the initial gloss wore off, we were left with hurt feelings, messy breakups and pro/con lists comparing me to ex-boyfriends. You know what’s way better than being in that situation? Not being in that situation.

I think this is all why I’m far more indifferent to Valentine’s Day than usual. I still feel a like I should be more bummed out than I am, though, because that’s normally what I do. Maybe my testosterone levels are dropping, or I’m just getting older, or I have a brain tumor. I don’t know.

Either way, it was a good day. I didn’t have pants on until noon, and I played a lot of games, which is probably apparent, since I’m posting this about an hour before Valentine’s day is over.

Happy Valentine’s Day.