Mind Your Own God Damn Business

(Just so you know, NCBF stands for “Not Certified Butthole-free”. It means that I’m pretty sure that there are no buttholes in this post, but can I really ever be positive?)

Fact #1: Three years ago, I was at a family reunion. While I was there, I met a cousin that I didn’t really know up to that point. I don’t remember how the conversation got started, but it veered towards sex. Not with each other, mind you – although with enough wine coolers or a knock on the head hard enough to make me forget that I’m related to her, I probably wouldn’t say no – but with, you know, the people we had sex with up to that point in our life. So anyway, it turns out that she was raised as a very conservative Christian, and hadn’t had sex until she was something like 28.

At least, not the kind of sex that involves a vagina.

Go with God, my jungle friends.

Apparently, as long as you don’t let anything go in your vagina, you’re in the clear.

What this meant, apparently, was that any other orifice was open game. If I understood her correctly, if there was a location on her body where one could stick an erect penis, someone had done it at least once. I guess God’s lawyers should have worded that part of the bible more carefully, because they left a pretty significant loophole in there. Hey, it’s like they say in every terrible movie about computer hackers since 1986: “Every system has a back door.”

LITERALLY.

FACT #2: Mormons can’t have sex before marriage.

I know what you’re thinking: if the religion says they can’t have sex before marriage, Mormon teenagers don’t ever have premarital sex, right? You’re going to be really disappointed when you hear this, but it turns out that Mormon teens have also found a loophole. It’s a technique called “Floating” or “Soaking”.

It’s fairly simple, really. The boy sticks it in the girl, but then, instead of 15 seconds of flailing around and then triumphantly throwing up the horns and yelling “PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG, JOHNNY!” (That’s how people have sex, right? I know that’s how I have sex.) the couple just sits there without moving.

That’s floating.

These two facts raise a ton of questions for me.

First of all, does it really not count as sex if you penetrate your partner and then sit there motionless? If this is acceptable, God probably needs to come up with a slightly less narrow definition of “sex”, because his current definition is dangerously specific and completely ineffective at enforcing what I’m guessing his intent was when he made the rule in the first place.

Second of all, supposing  that it is legit, and God is like “Hey, I just said no premarital sex. I didn’t mention floating and I didn’t say a fucking word about sticking it in the ear canal. Quit bitching and let the kids have their fun,” how much farther can you take “floating”? If you and your girlfriend decide to do a little bit of floating on top of a washing machine, a galloping horse or in the passenger seat of an offroading pickup, is it still legit?

Shh!!! Everybody remain completely motionless and silent, or poor little Kevin will most assuredly climax!

Third of all, what do you do while you’re floating? You can’t move, or else you’re breaking the rules and violating God’s law instead of sidestepping it. Throw in the fact that the boy is a teenager, and you really, REALLY can’t move. I like to imagine that they stare at each other with the expression that the kids in Jurassic Park made when they were trying to remain completely motionless so the dinosaurs wouldn’t eat them.

Fourth of all, are guys ever tempted to pull a fast one on girls when they’re doing this? You’re already in, and you’re 18, so it’s going to take seven, maybe eight seconds to finish the job. Does it ever cross your mind while you’re sitting there, locked in a stare down with your girlfriend like a couple of boxers before a prize fight, to just grab on, scream “PSYCH!” and then start going at it like crazy? The girl will probably be too stunned to react for the first few seconds, and by then it will be far, far too late. This has to have happened at least once, right?  Anyone who doesn’t think that this is a possibility was never an 18 year old boy.

Fifth of all, is there self-floating? I’m not sure if Mormons are allowed to masturbate or not (I’m guessing not), but if they’re tempted, do they sit there, motionless, with a white-knuckled grip on their junk? For the sake of entertaining myself, I’m going to say that I am 100% sure that they do. After some discussion on this subject with my friend Dan, I’m also wondering if they stare in the mirror while they’re doing it, pointing at their reflection American Psycho style. Once again, for entertainment’s sake, I’m going to make an executive decision on this and say “yes” once again. I haven’t been able to look in a mirror without chuckling since having this discussion.

Finally, WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING BEING AN ATHEIST!?!? For the past 10 years, I have been having plain old normal and all-to-infrequent sex with girls. Apparently, this would not the case if I was an extremely conservative Christian. All the weird stuff that you have to pay a prostitute extra for is just par for the course if you pick up chicks at a Baptist church.

I had a really terrifying picture of couple of people doing some pretty terrifying and extremely acrobatic things to each other that I was going to put into the post, but lucky for you, it doesn’t really fit into the formatting.

Either way, I’ve got some unholy urges that require that I find a mirror and a bike glove on the double. It’s time to clutch. Did I mention that I’ve decided to start calling self-floating “clutching”? Because I have. If you have a better name (and I’m sure one exists), let me know.