Mind Your Own God Damn Business

Jersey Shore

For those of you who don’t know, Jersey Shore is an MTV reality show that’s basically the Real World, only with nothing but “Guidos” and “Guidettes”. Those two groups, as near as I can tell, are comprised of really tan, good looking, mentally retarded, racist Italian stereotypes. There have actually been protests aimed at the show for portraying Italians in a negative light. On a reality show.

You want to know "The Situation"? "The Situation" is that I kind of have a boner right now.

I could say how stupid I think that is, or how awesome I think it is that there’s a guy on there who calls himself “The Situation”, or how I find myself simultaneously repulsed and extremely attracted to all of the women and a couple of the men on the show, but what I’ve been really mulling over since watching it is this: If you were on a reality show and certain groups thought that you portrayed your nationality in such a negative, stereotypical light that they started protesting and companies started pulling their ads, how would that make you feel? The show doesn’t have writers. These goofballs aren’t reading lines and using fake accents when they refer to having sex with someone as “pounding them out” or talk about owning their own tanning beds. They genuinely just look and act like characters from a U.S. World War II propaganda film. They’re crazy people being crazy. If someone were to tape me just doing what I do, and the result had white groups so outraged that they were petitioning MTV to cancel the show…I don’t know how I’d feel. Awesome? Embarrassed? It’s hard for me to say.

I do know this: This is compelling television. The Real World has never really pulled me in, because I’ve always known that crazy people exist. Watching them drink and fight just irritates me. This is different. I had no idea that people like this were real! It’s like MTV discovered alien life and I get to watch a documentary on it! Are there really men out there who spend thirty minutes on their hair, own their own tanning beds and talk in a way that makes Mario and Luigi’s accent seem incredibly subdued? Apparently! How do these people function in the real world? I can’t imagine ANY of them holding down a real job or even making it through grade school! Why have I never seen them before? Who the fuck calls themself “Jwoww”, and how hard would it be to get her to make out with me?

Furthermore, Two hours of watching Jersey Shore has vindicated every high school actor I ever had to watch during a forensics meet doing what I thought at the time was a shitty, completely over-the-top Italian accent. So, to all of you goofballs that I judged so harshly ten years ago: I-MA SOSORRY!

Community

I think this show is funny. It almost always makes me laugh when I watch it. And yet, I’ve watched it with a few other people now who’s sense of humor I respect, and they don’t seem to find it as funny as I do, so maybe I’m wrong. I guess that it boils down to this: If there’s a Spanish teacher named “Senior Chang” played by the Korean guy from The Hangover, you have a guy mistakenly believe that the word “Tardy” is an accusation that someone is retarded and a 60 year old man shows up to a Halloween party dressed as The Beastmaster, I’m in.

As an added bonus, the chick that plays Trudy Campbell on Mad Men is in it, and I want to make out with my TV whenever I see her on it.

Am I crazy? Is this show actually not funny and I just think it is? I don’t know why I’m even asking. It’s not like anyone is going to be able to change my mind.

Parks And Recreation

Whenever I watch this show, I walk away from it thinking to myself “That was pretty funny”, but when I try to think of a specific moment that made me laugh, I always come up empty. I don’t know what that means.

House

I will probably stop watching house once I can play video games again.

As formulaic hospital dramas go, I think house is probably pretty good. It reminds me a lot of Law & Order; it’s essentially the same show every week, but it’s also a winning formula that’s impossible to look away from if you watch more than ten or fifteen seconds of an episode. House is a dick, they bring in a sick patient, nobody knows why the patient is sick, they try to figure out, House sprinkles in just the right touch of sass, the patient starts bleeding out of an inappropriate orifice, they try something else, it doesn’t work, House suggest a treatment that will endanger the patient’s life if he’s wrong, he’s not wrong, they throw in a touching moment letting you know that House has a soul, roll credits. It may not be the most mind bending television, but it kept me entertained and kept me from playing video games. For that, I thank it. That being said, when January rolls around, House will probably be replaced by Torchlight and Civilization.

It’s Always Sunny In Philidelphia

I’ve never actually seen a second of this show. All I know is that everyone loves it and suggests it to me whenever I ask about television shows that I should be watching. I’ll probably never watch it until it gets cancelled, like Arrested Development.

All in all, I liked TV more than I thought I would. It had some thoroughly enjoyable moments. I haven’t decided which shows I’m going to trim out of my viewing schedule yet, but I found some stuff that I wouldn’t have known was around if I hadn’t emptied several hundred hours of previously booked time out of my yearly schedule. I’m not sure how much of a role that TV is going to play once I’m back on games, though. I like it, but I rarely feel like I’m getting something out of it. It’s nice for when I need to fold laundry or do some other chore where I need to be entertained by a timely zinger from Greg House M.D, though.

I guess that there’s a reason that people spend so much of their lives watching TV in America.