So, as I’m sure you know, Halloween was about a week ago.
As I’m sure you also know, I was a ghost. I went and got a sheet and cut a couple of holes in it, and then proceeded to haunt the shit out of this town. This is nothing new. I wear that same costume every year, and I’ll tell you why: because it kicks ass, that’s why. It’s simple, it’s cheap, I can wear whatever clothing I want with it and I can do whatever I want under that sheet. You’re somewhere with me on Halloween, and all you see is a sheet with some legs sticking out of the bottom and some random movement going on underneath. Maybe I’m texting. Maybe I’m eating a taco. Maybe I’m masturbating. Maybe it’s some combination of the three. Who can tell? Certainly not you; I’ve got a sheet covering me. It’s the ultimate in Halloween terror.
At least, I used to think that it was.
Two weeks ago, my friends Dan and Steph hosted a Halloween party. Dan and I started talking about good ideas for Halloween costumes. Here’s the thing about conversations I have with Dan: they start out simple, and then we fixate on them, the spiral out of control, and three hours later, we’ve come up with a really bad idea. Here are a few examples:
Welcome to Thunderdome.
- I was hanging out with Dan and his roommate at his old place a few years ago. We decided to go get some food, and when we left, I shut the door behind us. It stuck, so I jerked it a little bit to get it to close, which seemed to make Dan cringe in fear. As we walked by the neighboring apartment, a middle age woman came out and started yelling at us. She was pretty vague about why she was scolding us, and I had no idea what we had done. Dan explained to me after we were out of ear shot that she was pissed off about the noise it made when I closed the door. Apparently, she had just moved out of a house and into an apartment, and she got angry any time that anyone made any kind of audible noise, which meant that ever since she had moved into the apartment, she had been pissed off pretty much all of the time. A lot of times, this anger was directed at Dan, because he was in the apartment right next to hers.
If I were talking to someone else, I probably would’ve said “What a bitch!” and ended it at that. In this case, by the time we had finished eating, we had decided that when we got back, Dan’s roommate should repeatedly open and slam his door as hard as he could while I wailed on her door and yelled. While all of this was happening, Dan would come windmilling through her wall dual-wielding sledge hammers and screaming at the top of his lungs. It’s been a couple of years, and I’m still kind of sad that we didn’t do it.
- When Dan and I were roommates, he burned some falafel, which he tossed out onto our concrete porch. We looked at it for a few minutes and decided that it looked like deer droppings. Naturally, we went and got a camera and took a picture of Dan with his pants around his ankles squatting over it.
- One of Dan’s old high school friends invited him to a party where you had to wear a costume and do some sort of performance. I’m going to say that we probably spent six hours over two days trying to come up with the best combination of costume and performance, and I think that after all of that deliberation we finally settled on Dan dressing up as Abe Lincoln and taking a shit on the floor. My only job was to videotape everyone’s reaction.
- Dan had a girl he knew coming from out of town to visit. He wanted to be sure that she didn’t get any ideas about the two of them becoming romantically involved. After some discussion, we decided that the best plan of attack would be for his female roommate to take a dump in the sink every morning, after which she would pour a tiny amount of vinegar down the drain, vehemently claiming that “It kills all the bacteria!” before “flushing” the sink by turning on the garbage disposal for a few seconds.
As I’m looking back at that last one, I’m not quite sure why we thought this was an effective way to keep the out of town girl from wanting to jump Dan, or why we didn’t toy with the idea of him saying something like “I’m flattered, but no thank you”. I’m also noticing that the first example is the only one where Dan and I had a brainstorming session that DIDN’T end with someone taking a dump in an inappropriate place. Oh well. I’ll just change the story before I put this post up.
So, anyway, we were discussing Halloween costumes, and we came up with an idea.
NO MERCY!!!
I dress up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween. I have a boombox with me that has Andrew W.K.’s “I Get Wet” in it, turned up all the way, on repeat. Then, I head down to campus and show up at a party uninvited. As the powerful melody of “Party Hard”, “It’s Time To Party”, “Party ‘Till You Puke” or, really, any of the other tracks on the album is blasting, I run around the house and trash it. I dance through the house, punching people in the face, breaking tables, feeling up girls and even going through walls if they’re made of a flimsy enough material (and, OBVIOUSLY, screaming “OH YEAH!” the entire time). When I feel like I’ve done sufficient damage to the property, I pick up my boombox and dance out of the house and down the street until I find another party. Wash, rinse, repeat until the cops finally catch up to me or the batteries in my boombox run out.
I thought I had found the perfect costume with the ghost, but this may change that. There’s only one problem, assuming you ignore the fact that it’s a plan that almost certainly gets me beaten up or incarcerated: Dan and I have no idea how to construct a Kool-Aid man costume, much less one that can withstand the kind of abuse that we plan to put it through. If anyone has any ideas, let me know, because his would be awesome.
I mean, look at this video. I’m not coming up with anything that unique here. I’m merely suggesting that something like this needs to happen with a Kool Aid man costume on, and I think I’m just the man for the job.
So, like I said, help me out. Otherwise, chances are about one hundred percent that I’ll just be a ghost again next year, and you’ll have to live through the horror of being at a party with me without knowing if my dick is inside my pants or out (hint: it’s out).
Hope everyone had a good Halloween and that you have a BONE-CHILLING THANKSGIVING!!! oooOOOOOOooo!!!