Mind Your Own God Damn Business

A few months ago, due to a lot of horse-penis related traffic to my site, decided to get rid of my post that had a picture of a horse penis in it. I replaced it with a picture of a horse vagina. I would link to the post, but I’ve had several conversations with people who read my blog over the past month that have gone something like this: “Hey shit head. I was reading your blog (on a crowded subway/in a computer lab/in church/on an overhead projector in a room full of orphans and nuns) and all of a sudden ‘bam’! Horse vagina. Fuck you.” Because of this, you’re just going to have to trust me when I tell you that there’s a picture of a horse vagina somewhere on this blog. If you know me, you know that this is a completely plausible scenario – it’s filthy, it’s not funny to anyone but me, and it would be a huge pain in the ass to explain in court.

What could possibly go wrong, right?

Well, it turns out, the answer is “plenty”. Because I love you guys, I’ll keep this post picture free. I think we all know what kinds of terrible images would be staring you in the face right now if I didn’t.

Let’s take a look at my favorite search terms from October, shall we?

1. horse vagina: So far, no surprises. You put a picture of a horse vagina on your blog, you’re bound to get some hits from people looking for a horse vagina.

2. hourse vagina picture: It’s spelled wrong, but, once again, I can’t really be surprised that a search for “hourse vagina picture” leads the user to a horse vagina picture. Just google doing its job.

3. dog vagina: …Alright, that’s a little bit strange, but still. It’s an animal vagina. It’s kind of related. It’s probably a veterinary student or something. There are plenty of good reasons to search for pictures of dog vaginas on the Internet.

4. alien vagina: …what the fuck…

5. how should vagina look: I like to imagine that someone was trying to figure out what a human vagina should look like and they consulted the horse picture. I also like to imagine this guy’s internal dialog on the ensuing date.

“Alright. We’ve shared a bottle of wine, the lights are low, I’ve got the Kenny G playing and we’ve been doing some heavy petting – I think that it’s time to take a little trip to third base! Let’s just get these pants off and take a look under the hood, shall we? I’ve never done this before, but no need to worry, I consulted the Internet first. Oh, she’s wearing those boy shorts underwear! Those are really hot…let’s just get those off and…GOOD LORD WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN HERE!? No tail? No protective layer of horse hair? I don’t even know how she supports her own weight with these small, pale, hairless haunches! I need to feign sickness and get this bitch out of my house NOW!”

Is it creepy that I’ve put this much thought into this?

6. how do horse pussy look like: I wonder if the person that wrote this thinks this way? “I doesn’t know the ways horse vag looking. I needs with the searching to sees. How do horse pussy look like?”

7. head in vagina: To the credit of whoever searched for this, I would be kind of interested to see that, too.

8. 13 year old vagina: This one’s pretty creepy. I hope he means a horse.

9. cold vagina: I like my beer just like I like my vaginas: fresh, bitter, and as cold as the Rocky Mountains.

10. strange vaginas: I’ll only say one thing about this term: You shouldn’t type it into google, no matter how curious you might be. You won’t like what you find.

11. man eating horse vagina: I little bit unspecific again. Are we talking eating like “Oh yeah, horse, I’m gonna go downtown on that sweet horse vagina”? Or are we talking eating like “Agnes, you need to give me your recipe, because that meal was absolutely divine. I’d better have seconds – pass me another plate of that delicious horse vagina”? How do these people expect to find what they’re looking for if they don’t type it in correctly?

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Well, I think I’ve learned a valuable lesson about maintaining this blog: Creepy pictures lead to plenty of entertaining traffic searching for those pictures. There’s only one reasonable thing to do: Put something new up every month so I can maximize the amount of amusement I get out of weird search terms. I’m tempted to start now, but I promised to keep this post image free. I guess you won’t know when it’s coming until it happens.

Sleep lightly.