Mind Your Own God Damn Business

So, as you know, I had to write a paper about how to fix OPEC last Thursday. A United Nations simulation starts in that same class on Tuesday. This has been a pretty intense class for the past two weeks. So now, I have the weekend to find out as much as I can about my country and how they typically behave in the real U.N. so I can portray them realistically for the simulation. It’ll require a lot more research that I would like, but it’s not unmanageable.

There’s a problem, though and it has me more than a little bit worried: I’m China. There are a lot of reasons that I could be worried about being China in a model UN simulation – They’re a member of the security council, so I’ll probably have a fairly large role in the simulation, the country has a culture that’s very foreign to me, making it a lot more challenging than if I were a more western nation, They’re a pretty big player in the global economy, so it seems unlikely that I can show up with one goal in mind and stick to my guns throughout – but of all the ways that I can potentially make an ass of myself during this simulation, there’s one that concerns me deeply.

I’m afraid that I’m going to have a Michael Scott of The Office kind of moment if I’m not careful.

Let me elaborate.

Speaking of Inappropriate, I found this topical pictu...wait. What the fuck is going on here?

I spend a lot of time thinking about doing wildly inappropriate things that I think would be funny, and then I spend a lot of time trying really hard to not do them. For example:

• Every time I buy a gallon of milk from the store, I have a strong urge to lob it as far as I can and watch it explode on the linoleum.
• Sometimes in dull moments in my classes, I wonder what would happen if I just started wetting my pants. No talking. No fidgeting. No explanation. Just calmly listening, taking notes, and peeing all over myself.
• Defecating. Almost anywhere. There’s really only one place that IS appropriate to do that, and it tickles me pink thinking about doing it anywhere else.

And this brings me to my model UN simulation.

The one where I’m China.

Here are a few situations that I’m concerned about:

Scenario #1:

Russia: “Russia is deeply concerned with China’s resolution. Despite Iran’s claims that they’re planning to use the uranium that they’ve been enriching for purely peaceful purposes, evidence suggests that they’ve been testing rockets that could potentially carry a nuclear device in them. How can you possibly guarantee the safety of the area surrounding Iran with your isolationist stance?”

What I Should Say: “While China understands the risk that Iran poses, we take them at their word when they say that they will be using their uranium for purely peaceful projects.”

What I’m Afraid I Will Say Instead: “ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET!!!”

Scenario #2:

United States: “Now is not the time to try and please everyone, China. Iran poses a legitimate threat not only to Israel but the United States and even you. What’s it going to take for you to support the United States’ proposal to impose economic sanctions if Iran doesn’t allow UN inspectors in?

What I Should Say: ” We respect your stance, but there’s not a whole lot you can to do sway us. We believe that this is an issue that the countries involved need to resolve, not something that requires intervention.”

What I’m Afraid I Will Say Instead: “FIVE DOLLAH!!! EVERY-TING YOU WAH!!!”

Scenario #3:

U.K.: “It’s no secret that relations between the West and China are tenuous at best, but we believe that a firm stance on this by both China and Russia will persuade Iran far more than pressure from Western powers that it doesn’t respect. Can we count on multilateral action from the West and the East if Iran continues to produce uranium?”

What I Should Say: “No. China abstains.”

What I’m Afraid I will Say Instead: “HEY BABY! ME SOOO HO-NY! ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME, ROUNDEYE!!!”

Did you notice the mistake that I’m making? It’s subtle, but I’ll bet that you can spot it.

That’s right – In two of the three scenarios, I’m spouting off lines from Full Metal Jacket, which takes place in Vietnam, not China! I might as well dress up as a mime with a baguette and start waving a white flag around or show up in an Uncle Sam costume wielding a Big Mac and a bible! I’d be laughed out of the room for making a gaff like that!

But there’s another, lesser known fact that also needs to be taken into consideration: Those phrases are all also incredibly racist and could be considered incredibly offensive by my classmates!

It’s true. I looked it up.

I’ll be honest. I don’t actually think that I’m going to say any of those things. Despite how I may come across in this blog (and over the phone. And in person), I’m a relatively decent human being.

What I AM a little bit worried about is that any time I’m expected to speak during the UN, my brain is going to immediately try to determine what a 1960′s Chinese stereotype would say, and then I’m going to have to give an appropriate response while laughing in a high-pitched, girlish timbre. Everyone is going to think that I’m incredibly amused by UN parliamentary procedure, or maybe that there’s a gas leak in my corner of the room. And what do I say if they ask me what’s so funny? “Oh, no, it’s not you! I was just thinking how funny it would be if I said something really inappropriate and racially insensitive”? That’s only slightly better than just saying whatever inappropriate crap I was thinking!

My first choice was Russia, and I think that would’ve been a much better deal. Nobody’s going to be nearly as offended if I slip up and yell “IN SOVIET RUSSIA, ECONOMIC SANCTIONS IMPOSE ON YOU!!!”

Oh well. If I do slip up, It’ll be fine. I already have a plan if the unspeakable happens.

I’ll just distract everyone by deliberately wetting my pants.

Ancient Chinese secret, huh!?!?