So, as you know, I got sick about a week ago. It started with some remarkably loose bowels and ended with…I’m not sure what. I want to say a head cold, but I was pretty fogged out and hazy too. My brain wasn’t really working for a about a week. Or, maybe I’m just saying that because I didn’t post anything for a week and I don’t want you to think that I’m a pussy and I refused to write because I had a runny nose. Those of you that are familiar with my work ethic probably have a pretty good guess at the truth.
I sniffled and coughed up all kinds of interesting things for a week. I drank Nyquil as hard as I could. I could handle about four hours of consciousness before needing to lie down and breathe through my mouth and cough for a few more hours.
Today, I woke up and seemed to have a little more get up and go. I could sleep without any cold medicine, I could think, I was energetic and even though my body still had a lot of mucus in it, it didn’t seem to be making any more of it. I wasn’t 100%, but I felt good.
Obviously, things were looking bleak: I was dangerously close to being healthy.
Thankfully, my body picked up the slack. Maybe it was something I ate, maybe I have the flu, maybe I should’ve just sprung for a new enema bag instead of trying to save some money by reusing the one that I accidentally dropped into a carnival porta potty – I don’t know, I’m not a doctor – but whatever the reason, I’ve got a new and exciting sickness to deal with now. I’ve spent a delightful evening lying on the floor of the bathroom listening to podcasts with a break thrown in here and there to throw up. I’m feeling a little bit better right now, but it’s hard to say if I’m actually better or if it’s just a temporary reprieve from that queasy feeling that lets me know that I should go hang out in the bathroom for a few more hours.
This situation raises two interesting questions.
"H-1-N-WHAAAAAAAT!?"
First of all, do I even have a fucking immune system? As a substitute teacher, I’ve worked three different jobs in the past month for teachers who are sick, at least one with swine flu. I know I won’t make any friends by saying this, but I am a very outspoken opponent of swine flu – this is America, and swine flu needs to get the fuck back to Mexico, or really anywhere else that I’m not. Because of my xenoswinophobia, I’ve been trying to get plenty of sleep, wash my hands regularly and eat well – the kind of shit that’s supposed to keep you healthy. CLEARLY, it is not working. After a week of being sick, I get to spend all of eight hours feeling better today. Not healthy mind you, just like I’m on the road to recovery before I have a new and exciting disease to deal with. Hey immune system – you know, the one that flips shit and gives me allergies to protect me from all of the deadly flower pollen in the air during spring – where the fuck are you? Your only job is to fight off sickness, so how about you fight off some fucking sickness? I’ve either contracted AIDS without having sex with anyone, or I just have the Don Knotts of immune systems. Maybe both.
Second of all, and this one is a little more fun, I can’t help but wonder which ailment I’ll be struck with next. God knows I can’t be healthy, and I’m dying to know what health problems I’m going to have after this assuredly brief window of recovery. Sure, I’m feeling a little bit better now, but I’m sure my body will make sure that I’ve got typhoid, or scurvy, or autism, or feline leukemia before the sun comes up. Which will it be? I won’t know until I’m sitting in class tomorrow and my hair starts falling off or I start crying blood, but not because something really awesome happened as per usual.
Well, I’m starting to feel a little queasy again. I think it’s time to go see what’s going on in the bathroom. If I don’t post anything on Wednesday, I think it’s safe to assume that I’ve contracted a lethal case of some bizarre disease that normally only babies and the elderly are weak enough to contract.
There’s only one thing that can bring me joy in this state: Making fun of the elderly.
I’m dying.