Mind Your Own God Damn Business

What could possibly go wrong?

I was catching up on the AFC West today, eager to find out what the Broncos had done in the last 24 hours to make it even more difficult for me to talk myself into three wins this season.

In past years, I’ve found reasons to be pessimistic – a struggling defense, a suspect quarterback, or maybe an injured player – the kind of things that made me worry that they might not make the playoffs, but nothing like this year.

This year has been special.

If they’re not firing their coach, they’re dumping off their franchise quarterback, or suspending a pissed off number one receiver, or turning into a watered-down, boring, impotent version of the Patriots. It seems like something bad happens every week. They’ve reached the point where they’re hard pressed to find a way to surprise me. Will Josh McDaniels trade all of the running backs the Broncos have to the Patriots for some Hustler magazines and a 12 pack of Miller Light? Will Brandon Stokely show up to a press conference in black face? Will Pat Bowlen try to eat Ryan Clady’s brains because he thinks it will give him the cagey offensive lineman’s strength? I don’t know! That’s the beauty of my 2009 Denver Broncos: Anything is possible!

Like I was saying, I was interested to see what sort of depressing news would be headed my way when I checked the news. Imagine my surprise when I found out that not only had the Broncos not done anything crazy in a full day, but Shawne Merriman, star linebacker of the AFC West rival San Diego Chargers, was in jail for allegedly preventing his girlfriend, Tila Tequila from leaving his house and then choking her.

My initial reactions were relief that the Broncos has managed to make it a full 24 hours without doing anything that made me want to cry and that sweet feeling of my misery getting a little bit of company.

The more I thought about it, though, the more complicated it got.

First of all, for those of you that don’t know, Tila Tequila is an MTV reality “star”. Take a few seconds to watch these videos of her.

Now, think about it, and be honest: after watching those videos, you kind of wanted to choke her a little bit, right?

Then, I read a little bit more about the incident, and according to Merriman’s lawyer, Tequila was at a party at Merriman’s house, she was wasted, she was trying to drive, and Merriman tried to keep her from doing that. According to Tequila, she was wasted and he restrained and choked her. The one thing these two stories have in common is that she was wasted.

Let's just say that it's taking an incredible amount of self restraint to keep from spouting off quotes from Full Metal Jacket right now.

I want you to take a look at those videos of Tequila again, and then imagine her really drunk at a party. What do you think the odds are that you would end up choking Tequila at some point? 90% 100%? Some percentage higher than 100%? I’ve done the math in my head a hundred times, and save for a few scenarios where I’m paralyzed or dead, there’s no equation involving me and a drunk Tila Tequila that doesn’t end with me choking her.

Here’s where my brain really starts to hurt, though: Merriman and his lawyer claim that he was trying to keep Tequila from driving because she was wasted. If that’s true, and she threw a tantrum and called the cops and lied about the fact that he had been choking her…well, she deserves to get choked for that. But only if she lied, which would mean that he DIDN’T choke her…. what I’m saying is that she only deserves to get choked if she didn’t get choked. It’s the ultimate paradox!

My final thoughts on the issue are this:

We’ll never know for certain what happened that night, but assuming the allegations are true, Shawne Merriman did something that I’ve dreamed of doing since the first time I saw her on TV: He choked the shit out of Tila Tequila. If he did actually choke her, I can only hope that he did the “Lights Out” dance once he was done. For those of you that don’t know, Merriman is known as “Lights Out” because he has a reputation for knocking out quarterbacks. Most of the time when he gets a sack, he does a stupid little dance.

In all honesty, I hope that Merriman is telling the truth, and that he didn’t do anything inappropriate or abusive to Tequila… but if he did, I hope it went as follows:

Tequila: I’m going home. I need my car!

Merriman: Tila, I think you’ve had a little bit too much to drink. Let me call you a cab.

Tequila: I told you, I’m fine! You don’t…y-you don’t know what the FUCK…you’re talking…about.

Merriman: You’re slurring your speech and stumbling. I don’t want you to get hurt or get a DUI tonight. Come on. I’ll get you a glass of water while you wait for the cab.

Tequila: Are you – are you gonna listen to me? I’m FINE! Gimme my fucking keys!

Merriman: No, you’re drunk.

Tequila: I need my fucking keys you fucking…you fucking fuck!!!

Merriman: Calm down, Tila! Let’s just get you a cab!

Tequila: Don’t tell me what to do! I’m fuckin’…I’m fuckin’…Tila Tequila…and shit. All my haters…need to get a…get a life and shit.

Merriman: I know, Tila, but you’ve had to much to drink (He puts his arm around her and tries to corral her back into the house)

Tequila: DON’T TOUCH ME! DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME! I’M CALLING THE COPS, YOU…YOU FUCKING DICK!!

(Merriman grabs her, chokes her, and then, as she falls to the ground, he does the dance at the 8 second point in this video:
)

Merriman: LIGHTS OUT!!!

Awesome. Awesome.

So here’s to you, Shawne Merriman: Either you didn’t commit a crime, or you committed a crime that I’m jealous that I didn’t get to commit. Either way, you brought some bad news to an AFC West team that isn’t the Denver Broncos, which is a rarity so far this season.

LIGHTS OUT!!!

Edit: Well, it was nice while it lasted. Looks like Broncos rookie tight end Richard Quinn was arrested on harassment charges related to domestic violence/obstruction of phone services Monday afternoon. Way to go, boys. Way to go.