Mind Your Own God Damn Business

So, in a fit of idiocy, I rammed all of my classes this semester into Tuesdays and Thursdays so I could live the glamorous lifestyle of a substitute teacher on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

For the first few days, it was awesome, because nobody was calling. Unfortunately, today, I got a job. It’s been three months since I’ve been around high school kids, and I forgot how much I love those little goofballs.

Here are the highlights of my day:

Have I EVER got plans for you, big guy! Stay right there while I go get a knife, a butcher's apron, some condoms, a frying pan, some anal beads and a gallon of lube!

1. The woman I was working for wasn’t at school today…because she had fucking swine flu. Instead of sleeping in, relaxing and hanging out in a room with exactly zero 9th graders in it, I had to put on pants AND a tie, read The Most Dangerous Game three different times with a bunch of 9th graders and do everything short of hold them at knifepoint to get them to answer questions about it, and my reward for that work will be eighty dollars and a scorching case of swine flu. But hey, in a week, when I’m overcome with a fever, an unslakable hunger for bacon and an uncontrollable urge to have sex with pigs (That’s what happens when you get swine flu, right?) at least I can say  “Hey, it was all worth it! Sure, I have swine flu, but I got to teach 9th grade language arts for a day, so it all evens out!”

2. There was one kid in the last two blocks of the day. The other kids thought he was nerdy, but I think he’s awesome, and here’s why: He knows what he likes, he admits that he likes it and he doesn’t give a shit if the other kids don’t think it’s cool. That’s exceptionally rare at that age. Nobody is willing to admit that they like anything in 9th grade, because…well, actually, because they’re pussies. Most 9th graders will spend all day telling you how “gay” or “wack” everything is (Yes, 9th graders call things “wack”), but they’re terrified to admit that they actually like something for fear of being taunted by other 9th graders. They do this while simultaneously believing that they are completely unique human beings who no one can understand because no one has ever lived a life even remotely similar to theirs, what with being attracted to girls who don’t like them back or becoming disillusioned with the constant suffering of algebra II. Living the uncommon life is a lonely, solitary existence, and that’s why they have to watch Viva La Bam, wear girl’s skinny jeans and listen to The Used; it’s the only thing that numbs the pain.

Not this cool little motherfucker. He liked The Simpsons, Soulja Boy and Jim Carrey, and he didn’t give a shit if everyone else thought those things were gay or wack. I’m not sure I agree about two of those things, but it doesn’t really matter what I think. I’m pretty sure he’s going to have a tough couple of years ahead of him, but I think he’s got a headstart on being happy that a lot of his peers are going to be playing catchup to for quite a while.

3. Much to my chagrin, in the class after that I was walking around helping students, when suddenly that same kid that I love yelled “Mr. Castle, what’s a twat?”

98% of the time when something like that happens, it’s one of the dicks in class playing dumb so he can be funny. “Mr. Castle, what’s ‘dirty sanchez’ mean?” or “Do you like ‘Hot Carls”, Mr. Castle? Just say yes!”. This time, it didn’t appear to be the case.

First of all, when kids are pretending they don’t know what a word means, they go with something that’s either fairly tame or that they think is esoteric enough to confuse me.  You’re really rolling the dice with a word like “Twat”, because if the teacher doesn’t believe that you genuinely don’t know what it means, there’s a pretty good chance that they’ll murder you, and even if they do buy it, there’s still a good chance you’ll be in trouble, and I didn’t think this guy had the stones to go out on a limb like that.

Second of all, 9th graders have the shittiest poker faces ever. They’ll raise their hand and say “What’s ‘boner’ mean? I genuinely have no idea what boner means, Mr. Castle! Boner!” and their faces will get red, their lips will be quivering while they desperately try to keep from laughing – when you see that face, you know that they’re either trying to trick you or someone is giving them a blowjob under their desk.

This kid was doing neither of those things, so first I told him to stop saying it.

“I don’t know what it means, though!” he said.

“And you’re not going to find out from me,” I said, immediately followed by “Who’d you hear that from?”

He wouldn’t rat her out, but it was pretty clear (Shitty poker faces, remember?) that it was the

4. Pretty girl who was really bored with everything and unwilling to do any work. I had forgotten about people like that in the three months without them. Up through high school there are these kids (kind of like me, unfortunately), who just mope and do nothing. They think everything is boring, they’re unimpressed with everything, and they just sit in one spot until someone pushes them to another one, with them griping and bitching the entire time. Then they graduate, and suddenly no one is pushing them along anymore, and unless they managed to bag a rich spouse or score a trust fund, they just kind of fall off the face of the earth. I forget people like that exist, because even as stunted as my development is, I’m still doing better than the ones that are my age. I hope you find something you like between now and graduation, 9th grade girl, or you’re going to have a long, angry, prematurely aged life waiting tables at the local pancake house. Trust me on this one.

I’m starting to feel kind of sick. I think I’d better get my ass into bed, or maybe find some fine hog butt to get my hands on.

Have a good weekend.