Mind Your Own God Damn Business

So, I’m starting this post at 11:47 PM on Monday. I have 13 minutes to finish it if I want to make my midnight deadline. Let’s be honest. That’s not going to happen. It takes me, on average, a couple of hours to write up the normal, around 700 word steaming piles that I normally post, so this one is gonna be late. I’m sorry.

Fortunately, I have an excuse. It’s not a truthful excuse, but it’s an excuse, and here it is:

From here on out, I want you assholes to consider me a recovering drug addict. As far as you know, I was fucked up out of my mind on fine Columbian cocaine as recently as last year. Not a day went by that I wasn’t sending one of my meager paychecks straight up my nose.

If I ever get tired of putting pictures of Dr. Rockso into my posts anytime I mention cocaine, you will be the first to know. PS: Don't hold your breath.

Or maybe it was heroin. Why not? I was completely addicted to heroin last year. I couldn’t make it two days without getting a little horse in my veins. I’m not proud of my time as an addict – the friends and family I betrayed, the loss of loved ones, the endless line of dicks I sucked to support my habit – but make no mistake, I was completely addicted to heroin.

Or cocaine. Whichever one you consider more devastating. Hell, maybe it was both! My memory’s not so good; I was fucked up on drugs, remember?

So why have I decided that I have to convince everyone that I love cocaine so much? Before I tell you, I want you to imagine two different people for me.

So, suppose that there’s this guy. He’s about 30 years old. He’s single, carless and living with his parents. He has a job that he’s held for about three years, but it’s nothing especially impressive. He spends most of his time sleeping, writing and wishing he could play some video games.

What do you think of this guy? Not especially impressive, right? I mean, there are worse situations to be in, but your first reaction isn’t really “Nice! Way to go, guy!”.

Okay. Now, imagine a different guy.

One year ago, he kicked a brutal cocaine/heroin/meth/clown porn habit.

He’s about 30 years old. He’s single, careless and living with his parents. He has a job that he’s held for about three years, but it’s nothing especially impressive. He spends most of his time sleeping, writing and wishing he could play some video games.

Now, what do you think? Pretty impressive, all things considered, isn’t he? He was at rock bottom a year ago, but now he’s really got his life together, right?!

EXACTLY.

You see what I mean? The exact same person doing the exact same things, only if you throw in a year old imaginary drug addiction, your evaluation of him goes from “Well, I guess he’s finding his way through life at his own pace, or something,” to “Holy shit! He’s holding a job AND going to school? That courageous motherfucker! How does he do it!?”

Genius, right? It get’s better!

You don’t have to be me for this idea to kick ass! Think about how impressive your life is. Now, throw in a recently broken cocaine addiction. See what I mean? It increases the impressiveness of your accomplishments by a factor of ten! It works for almost everything and everyone.

Seems like an innocent enough photo, until you realize that the red on those walls isn't paint - it's virgin's blood.

Take Terrel Owens: He’s a talented athlete, but his me-first attitude and poisonous locker room presence have ended up hurting his career and sending him bouncing from team to team. Maybe the media wouldn’t judge him so harshly, though, if they knew that only last year, he was regularly smoking crystal meth out of a human skull!

Or what about Stephanie Meyer and her Twilight series about sparkling vampires? Some might consider the books trash, but before you judge her work, know that she wrote the entire series in one PCP-fueled weekend and STILL had time left over to get into a naked, bloody physical confrontation that required ten Utah police officers to restrain her in a Burger King bathroom at three in the morning. All things considered, those books seem pretty good now, don’t they?

Or take former President Bush. Our economy tanked on his watch, he took a huge, steaming dump on the Constitution, got us into a bloody, poorly planned war using fabricated intelligence, crashed every company that he owned previous to the presidency into the ground, could barely speak English and completely alienated the rest of the world. But can you really blame him when you realize that he’s an alcoholic who spent his formative years getting DUI’s and snorting cocaine? Oh, wait. Good job making sure he got eight years in office, America. You fucking retards.

Anyway, when you look at the evidence, the implications are pretty clear: Claiming that you are a recovering drug addict is a great way to give your life a little bit of extra “oomph” without having to actually do anything. There is no possible way that one could ever regret trying to impress the people around him by claiming that a year ago he was taking illegal drugs. In two years when I’m certified to teach and have fucked up and revealed my identity on this blog, I can’t WAIT to explain this post to potential employers.

Well, there you go. Again, to the three of you that visit this blog for the content and not the pictures of horse dongs, I apologize. I’ll be sure Wednesday’s post is up on time.

Or maybe I won’t. Who can say? I’m 12 months sober, but I still struggle with those demons every day. I just have to keep taking it one day at a time.

Holy shit this idea is sweet.