Mind Your Own God Damn Business

(I’m scrambling to stay on top of classes one day in, so this post is going up early. Nobody use any funny search terms to find my site for the next four days, okay? Thanks.)

It’s been another month, and it’s time for another list of search terms that brought people to my blog. Some of them make sense to me. Others are a little confusing. Most of them are just some combination of the words “Horse”, “Penis”, “David”, “Roth” and “Corpsegrinder”.

1. doing ecstasy gay guy straight guy under - I was initially confused as to why a search term like this would lead to this site. Then I thought about it a little bit, and realized that I should be surprised that I’m not getting more hits from search terms like this.

2. old school gay porn - I wonder what the difference is? More mustaches or something? I don’t know.

3. Old Man Squinting - I’m genuinely baffled as to what I wrote that’s making Google direct traffic for this search term in my direction.

4. Game: Centaur - No confusion on this one. Just a great idea for a totally kickass game.

5. Figure of Butthole - I’m not surprised that this term lead the searcher straight to me, just that they were searching for a figure of a butthole. Then again, who can blame this person? The butthole is a mysterious, complicated device. It’s got that hole, and…well, that’s pretty much it.

6. Boxer Porn - What kind? Like, “Fisticuffs” boxers? “Breed of dog” boxers? Barbara Boxer? You need to be more specific or I can’t tell how funny it is.

8. male horse penis - Like I said, it’s good to be specific. Otherwise, you might end up getting a picture or two of a female horse penis mixed into your search results, and that would totally kill the mood.

9. penis horse - Switching the order of the words makes all the difference. All of a sudden, you go from searching for pictures of a horse penis to searching for…well, I’m not sure. Is it a tiny horse that a penis can ride on? A very rare, phallic looking breed of horse? A horse covered in penises? Who knows? I’ll have to look it up on google and find out!

10. کیر اسب – This one is my personal favorite. It’s been turning up more and more lately and I didn’t know what it meant, so I used google to look it up.

It turns out, and I swear to God that this is true, that search term is written in Farsi. It says “Horse Penis”.

11. “tucked his penis” between legs - I like this one because even though he was using quotes to get that exact phrase, it’s funnier to imagine that he wanted to find pictures of someone tucking their penis between their legs – figuratively speaking.

12. cobra kai no mercy - I really wish that searches like this were more common. That’s a kickass search phrase. Even though I’m not surprised that all of the traffic to my site comes from people looking for horse cock and naked pictures of the lead singer of Van Halen, it doesn’t make me feel like a man. It makes me feel like I come across to the casual observer as someone who wants a horse dick in my mouth while David Lee Roth is working me from behind.

So there you go. It’s been another humiliating month, and I can’t wait to see what sends people to my site for a few moments to swipe a few pictures off my blog. See you Friday!