Mind Your Own God Damn Business

I guess linking to that Radiolab podcast put a pingback in their comments section. As a result, I’ve been getting hits from Radiolab listeners. I wish I would’ve linked to Radiolab in a better post, but I got a comment from the Mother of the the guy I mentioned, which was pretty neat. She told me that I “ramble on” just like her son, which I’m going to pretend is a compliment.

Moving on.

I don’t watch much television.

At least, I didn’t watch much television until I decided to give up video games for a year. Now, I watch a lot of television. One of the shows that I really like is The Wire. I’m not going to waste time describing it – People that have already seen it know what it’s about, and people that haven’t think it sounds like any other crime-drama, and so they think I’m getting all gushy over a Law & Order ripoff.  Usually, if I can trick the person in question into watching the first three episodes of season 1, they get hooked, plow through all five seasons in a week or two and then agree with me that it was, in fact, a pretty good show.

Sometimes, though, it takes some work to get someone to watch those first three episodes. When that happens, I have this stupid habit: I start bargaining with them. If they’re willing to give The Wire a shot, I’m willing to try out something that they like.

I hate that show. So why do I have a boner right now? TUESDAYS ON THE DEUCE!!!

This strategy always ends in disaster. I’ll be trying to explain to someone that it’s a really great show, and maybe they’d like to borrow my copy of season one and give it a try, they hem and haw a little bit, and before I know it, I’m sitting there watching The Gilmore Girls. No, really. I made a deal that required that I watch The Gilmore Girls in exchange for The Wire.

I have no idea why I do this.

First of all, it makes me that douche bag. You know, the asshole that insists that you listen to some album or watch some movie or tv show because it’s awesome and they’re just positive that you’ll love it. You tell them that you haven’t seen Memento or heard The Trout Mask Replica, and they get shocked and angry and insist that you immediately get your hands on it. I hate those people, and now I’m one of them.

Second of all, I gain nothing from other people watching the show. I’ve already seen it. I know what happens, I enjoy it, and have friends I can talk about it with – fuck, I can take college classes on it if I feel like it. It doesn’t really have any effect on me at all if some of my friends haven’t ever watched it, so I don’t really need to barter with them.

Third of all, I have a lot to lose from my stupid bargaining. I watched several episodes of The Gilmore Girls, something that never would have happened if I had just said “Oh, you’ve never seen The Wire? That’s cool. Well, let’s never discuss this again. Hey, I’ve got a fun idea! Let’s not watch The Gilmore Girls! I think that would be great!”

(Side note: The local WB affiliate in Colorado is on channel 2. Because of this, they thought that it would be a good idea to call themselves “The Deuce”. I swear to God that this isn’t another of my stupid poop jokes. I’m telling the truth. Check it out. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out their angle. Do they not realize that they’re using a slang term for feces to describe their station? Did some crafty intern pitch that name at a meeting and manage to sneak it by everyone before they realized what had happened? Did the WB finally just decide to call a spade a spade? I don’t know. What I do know is that whenever that goofy announcer uses his badass voice to say things like “Catch ‘Degrassi: The Next Generation’ after ‘Gossip Girl’, only on THE DEUCE!” I giggle a little bit.)

Michael from The Wire. Now on the NEW 90210 - ONLY ON THE DEUCE!!!

So, last night, I was chatting with one of my friends. I won’t bore you with the details, but I made a huge mistake that boils down to this:

For every season of The Wire that she watches, I have to read one of the Twilight books.

The implications of this dark bargain are terrifying: If she watches season one of The Wire, I will have to read Twilight. Should she watch the highly underrated season 2, I have to read New Moon. Season 3, and I’m stuck reading…I don’t know what comes after that. The one with the chess pieces on the cover? Either way, it’s a few hundred more pages of teen vampire porn.

As I thought about it more, I realized that this deal has an unintended consequence: Whereas I normally try to get people to watch The Wire because I think that it’s a great television show, I will now be putting an incredible amount of time and effort into making sure that my friend never sees a single episode of it. The stakes are too high. If she ends up watching it and enjoying it, I’ve got a few thousand pages of romantic vampire literature to plow through. Hundreds upon hundreds of references to his “cold, ivory skin”, pages of sparkling in the sunlight and talking to werewolves without a single chainsaw-wielding centaur in sight!

And what if I end up liking it? It’s only a matter of time before I’m wearing tight, sleeveless t-shirts that are bejeweled with the words “Team Edward”…

…Please excuse me. I have to go murder one of my friends before something terrible happens.

OH YEAH! THE DEUCE IS LOOSE!!!