Hey.
I almost didn’t post today. I’ve been visiting friends and family in Chicago, and it’s really been cutting into my blogging time. You don’t come here for excuses, though – you show up for my three-day-a-week, later and later and lower and lower quality blog posts. Don’t worry – baby’s got you covered.
I’ve never been to Chicago before, so here are my notable experiences thus far in Chicago, which is Spanish for “The Butthole of the Clown” (I know that’s not actually what it means. I’m just trying to keep butthole-related search traffic high):
- Suppose that you’re dating a girl. She’s really smoking hot, but she’s kind of a bitch. Then, one day, she tells you that she thinks you should see other people. You’re not happy about it at all. You’re kind of mad at her for being emotionally unstable, but she’s hot enough that you’re willing to overlook it. You try to convince her to stay, but she won’t return your calls. By the beginning of summer, she’s gone.
It’s hard for you. It’s really hard. You find a new girl, and the two of you start dating. You try to convince yourself that it’s just as good as it was with the last girl. You tell yourself that, hey, maybe she’s not quite as fun, maybe not quite as good in bed, might not have the arm strength or accuracy in the pocket that your last girlfriend did, but hey, that last girl you dated was a nutty bitch, and so it’s a fair trade-off.
Now, suppose that you go on a four day vacation, but, as luck would have it, the hot girl who broke up with you not only lives there, but she’s dating someone new.
Now, pretend that every time you turn on the television, look at a newspaper or listen to the radio, someone is talking about how great it is that your hot ex-girlfriend has a new guy.
I don't care how bad the diabetis gets or how many chins you inexplicably have, Jay. You broke my heart.
Got a nice mental picture of that now? Okay. Now you know what it’s like to be a Broncos fan visiting Chicago right now. Everyone is prancing around with their boner poking out of the fly of their pants because Jay Cutler plays for the Bears now. They show clips of him at practice. People all over town are wearing Cutler Bears jerseys. Every football fan in the city has that look in their eye; that look that says “I’m excited to have Jay Cutler playing QB for my football team, because Kyle Orton kind of sucks”. It’s a feeling that I haven’t experienced in several months. It’s going to be a long football season.
- Girls apparently use the term “Butterface” just like guys do (I assume everyone is familiar with this, but it’s when a girl is really hot except for her face, as in “She’s really hot butterface reminds me of Milton Berle”. My little sister and cousin were talking about some guy they call “Butterface”. I pointed out that the correct name if it’s a guy would be “Buttisface”. I’m torn about this; on one hand, it makes less sense than butterface. On the other hand, even though I don’t know what “Buttisface” is, it sounds funnier to me.
- There’s far less stabbing here than I was led to believe. My parents came out to visit my sister about a month before I did. When they came back, they told me that they had a good time, but that they had some trouble with panhandlers and scary people on the El. My father advised against using the El after dark. Then one of the people who was nice enough to let me stay at their place while I’m here told me that someone got stabbed on the Orange line last week. All of this made me think that there was a pretty good chance that I would get knifed during my time here. I showed up ready to take a blade or two in the abdomben, but so far, people have been polite, inasmuch as they haven’t tried to shank me even once. In a strange sort of way, I’m sad about this; it makes me feel like I’m not getting the authentic experience if I don’t get sliced up a little bit. I guess it’s okay – if not getting stabbed means I didn’t really experience Chicago, that’s probably alright, and hey! I’m here for another day, so “Stabwatch 2009″ is still going on, and I’m planning on riding the El naked tomorrow at two in the morning with my wallet sitting loosely on my lap covering my goods!
Other than that, nothing too noteworthy has happened. I’ve eaten a lot of really good food, spent some time with my little sister and had a good time visiting my friends and checking out the city.
Either way, I should probably go to bed. I have one more day to check out the city, eat at a few more restaurants and provoke someone to cut me!
God speed!