I’ve been house sitting for my parents while they’re in Chicago for the past few days.
I remember as a teenager that house sitting was incredibly awesome. I would stay up late, watch television, eat junk food and enjoy spending a few days without anyone busting my chops.
As an adult, at least in the biological sense, it’s less entertaining. I don’t have a bedtime anyway, since there’s no junk food in the house I have to go out and buy it, which is also something I do normally, and I have to take care of their yard, which is outside, a location that is hot and full of mosquitoes this time of year.
I HAVE been watching plenty of television, though. The T.V. at my parents house is a special kind – basic digital television. That includes all of the basic networks plus a few Spanish channels and about five religious stations.
Here’s what I’ve learned from watching all of them.
Before he was the Italian Stallion, Stallone was known as "The Italian Jr. High School Science Teacher/Sexual Predator".
1. Spanish channels are awesome all the time.
After enjoying a Van Damme marathon one day, I touched on this subject earlier, but a few more days of careful viewing have only strengthened my belief that Spanish television is some of the best around. In the four days that I’ve been watching it, it’s been nothing but good looking, barely-dressed Latina chicas, action movies and professional wrestling. On Saturday, they showed Terminator 3, The Crow, Nighthawks and a Chuck Norris movie that I couldn’t figure out the name of. That’s a lot of guilty pleasures back to back to back to back. On another day, they showed WWE wrestling in Spanish. Normally, I don’t like Wrestling, but there’s something strangely fascinating about it to me when it’s in a language that I don’t understand. When I can’t tell what they’re saying, I’m suddenly fascinated. What the hell is Triple H doing in John Cena’s dressing room yelling at him? What is he saying? Why the hell is Seth Green in a ring with the two of them fighting The Big Show? Hard to say! I don’t speak Spanish! Only one thing to do: Watch until I figure it out!
Don’t get me wrong, Spanish channels aren’t without their flaws; Most of the programming only appeals to my lower brain stem, and if you watch it for too long, you’re bound to end up running into a soccer game at some point, but if you’re into boobs, action and camp, Telemundo is a solid choice well over 90% of the time.
2. I’m strangely drawn to religious television.
You have my attention. Throw in some religious rock and a guy on a snowboard and I'm yours forever.
I have no idea why. I’m not religious, at all. There’s almost never anything interesting on it, and yet, I find myself unable to stop watching. My personal favorite is JCTV, which appears to be a weak attempt at MTV for people who need all of their programming to be about Jesus. The station consists of almost nothing but religious music videos and clips of people competing in extreme sports, but they break it into 30 minute segments and give them different names that sound like Mountain Dew flavors. Here are a few real examples: “SHOUT TV” (Christian rock and some goofy guy on a badly green-screened robotic set preaching the gospel) , “G-Rock” (Christian Rock), “Extreme Video Zone” (Christian rock and clips of extreme sports), “Acquire the Fire” (I have no clue, although I love the name and am guessing it involves some Christian rock and some extreme sports), “Bomb Shelter” and my personal favorite, “Revolution Extreme”.
See what I mean? If I told you that I had just bought a twelve pack of Mountain Dew: Revolution Extreme or Mountain Dew: Bomb Shelter, you wouldn’t even think twice about it.
(I’m actually really excited, because I was checking their schedule to get the list of show names, and there’s something called “Hardcore Music” on in an hour. We’ll see if it lives up to the name. I remain skeptical, but cautiously optimistic.)
I am also strangely drawn to the women on that channel. Again, I have no idea why. It seems strange to find myself attracted to women that I know that I am diametrically opposed to on some very important issues, but I find myself sitting there and thinking things like “Yeah, baby! Lets drink some wine coolers and I’ll show you what second base is!”
I can’t decide if I think churchy girls would be unwilling to do anything, or if all of those repressed feelings and emotions would result in a night like that one in Fight Club where Brad Pitt comes to the door with rubber gloves on. What I DO know is that my brain really lights up when I’m around crazy girls. Maybe that’s why I have that reaction.
3. Always be aware of what you’re watching.
A few days ago, I was watching…Law and Order, I think. It was hot and I’m lazy, so I was in my underwear. About halfway through, I dozed off on the couch. An hour or two later, my little brother and this guy that works with him came over to grab my little brother’s checkbook. I was disoriented, but I tried to make polite conversation with them while I got my bearings. As I was sitting there in my underwear, sweaty and confused, I looked over at the television to see what I was watching.
It was Oprah.
Certainly embarrassing enough on it’s own, but it didn’t stop there. I looked up the episode so I could share it with you. Here’s a picture:
Not enough? I agree. Here’s a link to a video of the segment.
You know what I call this? "Less embarrassing than getting caught watching Oprah."
While I was talking, I took stock of the situation: I was chatting with a guy I didn’t know very well after having just woken up at three o’clock in the afternoon, sweaty, confused, mostly naked, watching Oprah talk with some lady about the vaginal canal. Probably not a good way to make a good first impression. Or maintain custody, if I were my brother’s guardian. I would’ve been less embarrassed if he’d come over and I was watching JCTV.
I love that station.
I think the point of all of this, actually, is that I need to waste a little less time in front of the television. Sure, it’s hot out and I refuse to do very much during the day, but there’s got to be something I can do that will be more entertaining and less humiliating if someone catches me doing it. I might even be able to find something constructive to do with all of that time.
Tomorrow. “Hardcore Music” is on in fifteen minutes.
I’ll see you suckers on Wednesday.