Mind Your Own God Damn Business

I made a connection between two things today:

1. I have a hard time not dancing around when I’m listening to music.

As I’ve mentioned, I got my hands on some Michael Jackson albums last week, and I’ve noticed that if you play any of the first half of Off The Wall, Thriller or Bad, I start dancing around and don’t even know that I’m doing it. I’ll be walking home from school, spacing out and listening to one of those albums on my headphones when I’ll see someone giving me a weird look and suddenly realize that I’m moonwalking and don’t know why or for how long I’ve been doing it.

The new Arsonists Get All The Girls album has been causing me similar problems. I’m aware that I’m rocking out to it, but I don’t really have any control over it.

Take this for instance. This isn’t really the best song on the album, but during the breakdown that starts at 1:55, I am physically unable to prevent myself from going full retard.

You hear me? PHYSICALLY UNABLE.

Someone has been playing Judas Priest around the Madonna statue again.

Yesterday morning when I was listening to it, I inadvertently launched my glasses off of my head and across the room. Two nights ago when I was writing, I almost accidentally punched my laptop and broke the screen. Last night when I was out running, I started punching the air and flailing around while I was listening to it. I probably looked like I had rabies. The first time that I heard it, I got so pumped up that I started crying blood. It actually turned out to be because of severe internal bleeding, but it happened because I was so exited, so I think the example is still relevant.

I’m aware of what’s happening, but I’m like a kid with ADHD: I know that I shouldn’t freak out, but I’m so fricking pumped that I can’t help myself.

I’ve also been listening to Van Halen’s self titled album, and it’s more of the same problem – if I hear eruption playing, I’m going to start playing air guitar. That’s just how it is.

This is fact #1.

2. There are companies that pay some dude to stand out on the street and wave a sign around advertizing their shit. Every tax season, you see the guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty or Uncle Sam waving at cars and holding a sign. A lot of times, I assume to help with the soul crushing boredom of standing on a street corner for five or six hours at a time, these people put on headphones and dance around. There’s one guy in particular in town that I’ve seen a couple of times who really gets into it. It seems like kind of a crappy job to me.

Then, I saw the following video:

Side note: I think that this is actually a really terrible way to advertise. Pop quiz: Without going back to the video, what was the sign that the guy was holding advertising? If you remember, you’re way more perceptive than I am. Same deal with all of those Statues of Liberty. I know they have something to do with taxes, or cashing paychecks, or something, but I don’t have a clue what the company is. I guess that it’s working, or they wouldn’t do it, but it doesn’t make sense to me.

How effective it is doesn’t really concern me, though.

What does concern me, deeply, is that I’ve been making an ass of myself for all of this time and nobody has been paying me five dollars an hour to do it.

When I first saw this video above, (thanks, metalsucks.net), I just chuckled a little bit. It was funny to see that guy playing air guitar in all black out in the sun.

Then, it all clicked into place: This job is perfect for me.

Sort of.

Do it this way, and it's kind of gay and a waste of time. Get a few H&R Block signs in there, and it's seven dollars an hour.

I’m not poor enough (yet) that I’m willing to stand out on the street for long periods of time in one spot, but, as I have proven time and time again, I AM willing to dance around like a retard if you put some headphones in my ears and connect them to an iPod with music that I like on it. If I’m going to be dancing around town anyway, I should see if I can get someone to slap a sign on my back and start paying me minimum wage while I’m doing it.

It’s like realizing that there’s a company somewhere that would be willing to give me a quarter every time that I masturbate. Maybe I don’t even need the money, but if it’s something that I’m going to be doing twelve, thirteen times a day anyway, why not pick up some loose change in the process?

So, if you’re an advertizing exec who thinks the only thing left that you need for a successful product launch is some jackass doing Thriller around town with a picture of your product splayed across his back, get in touch with me.

Just so you know, I’m not willing to give you my real name, address or contact information. You’ve got the fancy business degree. Figure it out, college boy.

I’m just kidding. If you wait long enough, I’ll probably put all of that information up on accident.

It’s the classy way to do business.