Mind Your Own God Damn Business

I’m currently enrolled in a class about East, West and unified Germany. So far, it’s been pretty interesting. I have this idea in my head that Germany is pretty stable like any other country, but the more I learn about it, the more I find out that it’s been a pretty wild sixty or seventy years for them.

Anyway, when Germany was divided in half, I guess there were these things called the Leipzig Trade Fairs. They were a chance for companies all over the world to show off all of the sweet shit that they were producing and try to sell it. During the time that Germany was divided into East and West, I guess that it also turned into a stage for East Germany to show off how well their planned economy worked. Some of it was legit, but I guess that some of it was smoke and mirrors as well; they would take goods that were supposed to go to other areas and then fill up stores in Leipzig so it looked like there were plenty of goods to buy at the store, and would show off goods at the fair that wouldn’t become available to East Germans for months or years if they ever became available at all.

One of these items was called the Purimix. The Purimix was basically a giant motor that had a lot of attachments, and it was advertised as an all-in-one device that women could use to make housework easier. It could be used as a vaccum cleaner and a food processor.

Even if you ignore the fact that it’s kind of creepy to use something to clean under the couch and then cook with, there were other problems with it. It was too heavy and unwieldy for anyone but a grizzly bear to use, cost about two year’s salary and never actually became available on the market.

I was writing a paper on the trade fairs last night, and mentioned the Purimix. As I was writing the paper, the following footnote found it’s way into my paper:

“Though certainly unusual, the Purimix was by no means the only questionable product design displayed at Leipzig; More than one fair goer was perplexed by the sight of the Blatzenstuhl, a trombone/chamberpot hybrid introduced in 1952 that was designed to help conserve the East German’s precious brass supplies, which were severely depleted by WWII.”

Now, was that footnote necessary for my paper? No.

Is any part of it true? No. If it is, it was a complete accident on my part.

So why is it in there? Because I find it hilarious.

But no good ever comes of me doing this kind of crap.

First of all, if I spent a little more time finishing the paper and a little less time filling it full of lies that are only amusing to me, maybe I wouldn’t have been up until four in the morning finishing it.

Second of all, other than making me giggle, there’s no real benefit to doing things like that. Best case scenario, the teacher rolls her eyes and ignores it. Worst case, she docks me some points. Actually, I suppose worst case would be something like “She docks me some points, burns down my house and then gives me cancer”. You know what I meant. Don’t be a nitpicky bitch. What I’m saying is that I’m wasting time adding unnecessary crap to my paper that, at best, will have no effect on my grade.

Nonetheless, I found myself unable to edit it out of the paper. I found it too entertaining.

I took a short break from working on my paper and chatted with my friend that I’ll just call “Brian”. I was telling him about the footnote, and how I knew I should take it out of the paper, but I was having trouble bringing myself to do it.

He thought about it for a few minutes.

“Well,” he finally said, “There might be another way to handle it. Maybe you take it out of your paper, or maybe I get on Wikipedia and write a convincing article about it, and you start registering websites as fast as you can and filling them full of information about the Blatzenstuhl so she thinks it’s real.”

He had a point.

If I’m going to start trying to convince everyone that it’s real, I might as well begin here.

Commence lying now.

The Blatzenstuhl

Ladies and Gentlemen, without further adieu, I present the totally real East German product, the Blatzenstuhl:

When it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, play a few bars of "Flight of the Bumblebee".

I can assure you that the image above is not a collection of photos of a man with a trombone, a chamber pot and some random Russian text all poorly photoshopped together, but in fact a copy of the advertisement for the Blatzenstuhl that was being handed out at its display during the 1952 Leipzig Trade Fair. As you can see, the Blatzenstuhl is being modeled by German movie star and Olympic weightlifter Hans Fultenstein.

The above text loosely translates as follows:

“Rejoice, Comrades! The glorious German Democratic Republic has been blessed with immense prestige and honor through the introduction of the Blatzenstuhl! Both a resplendant musical instrument of the finest craftsmanship and a container for all form of nighttime emmissions, the Blatzenstuhl will serve the needs of any man, woman or child. Whether used to store up to five litres of night soil or indulge in the dulcet tones of a fine Rachmaninoff symphony, It will be obvious to any owner that the state has once again rewarded the loyalty and diligent industry of its workers with a truly unparalleled luxury! The Blatzenstuhl’s exceptional form and function are further proof that the Western Bourgeosie swine face imminent humiliation at the hands of the inexorable and tenatious Proletariat! Take arms, brothers, and may the Blatzenstuhl play the eulogy of the lethargic, decadent West! DM 250.”

Despite a significant amount of excitement surrounding the release of the Blatzenstuhl, it’s prohibitivly expensive price and rarity made it a difficult product for East Germans to obtain, and the product, ultimately, was a failure. There are only three known Blatzenstuhls still in existance today, all of which are in the posession of anonymous private collectors.

…

And, stop lying now.

It’s a start. Next, I need to register ten or eleven angelfire sites and start ramming them full of information.

I suppose that all of this is a moot point; I took the footnote out of my paper, so I don’t have to convince anyone that East Germany created a device that you could play music with and also take a dump in.

The bottom line is that I’ve got a lot of photoshopping to do.

Have a good weekend.