Mind Your Own God Damn Business

The bedbugs appear to be gone.

I’d heard horror stories from everyone I told about how hard they are to kill, so maybe they’re just hiding somewhere, biding their time and plotting their revenge, but as near as I can tell, the gallon of poison that my room is now covered in has sent them a powerful message. My only regret is that I don’t know where their dead bodies are, so I have no way to desecrate their corpses. The best I can hope to do is teabag an effigy of one. Hopefully, another bug will see it when I’m putting my balls in my paper-mache bedbug’s mouth and tell all of his friends what happened.

Who am I kidding? I would risk poisoning to get my hands on a plate of those bad boys too.

It also appears to have killed all other types of bugs in my room. I’ve started noticing that most of the bugs I see in my room now are dead. All this death in my basement has got me thinking:

Poison is really fucking awesome.

The Exterminator is doing a follow up in two weeks, and I think that even if the room is still bug free at that point, I’m going to ask him to spray some more poison and maybe sell me a few gallons of it. I can put some in a humidifier, wash my clothes in it, use it as aftershave and maybe apply it like deodorant, too. It may sound a bit extreme, but well worth the cancer risk, in my opinion. My body makes blood out of the food I eat, and I frequently eat nachos, so, when you think about it, those little assholes were stealing nachos from me. I can respect their love of fine Mexican cuisine, but pulling that kind of shit around these parts is the sort of thing that will get you poisoned.

Take note.