Mind Your Own God Damn Business

Six months ago, my old roommate (let’s call him “Tom”) told me that he was going to see Kid Rock at the Independence Stampede and that he thought I should come.

This seemed like a bad idea. Let me tell you why:

1. I don’t like the Independence Stampede. Every year in the week leading up to the 4th of July, they set a bunch of shit up in town for “The Worlds Largest 4th of July Western and Rodeo Celebration”. What this loosely translates to is a hot, dusty area where there’s always country music playing, stands selling cowboy shit, carnival rides (which are, so you know, operated by carnies), overpriced food and teenagers who think that stuff is cool. The one exception to my dislike is the Demolition Derby, which is the most kickass thing I’ve ever seen. Granted, it’s possible that it just seems cool because I’m so angry from paying five dollars for parking and listening to Big and Rich while I’m walking past giant belt buckles and cowboy hats that by the time I’m in the stadium, watching cars fuck each other up seems way cooler than it otherwise would.

(P.S.: They still don’t play Pantera during the derby. I know that I harp on this every year, and I do it because it’s a great fucking idea. Pantera kicks ass. They’re from Texas. It would be perfect! For Christ’s sake, look at this video:

Let me point out three things:

1. The name of the song is “Cowboys From Hell”. It has “cowboy” right in the fucking name!
2. The guitar player is wearing a cowboy hat.
3. His guitar has a Confederate flag painted on it.

Can I make it any clearer? This is a match made in heaven! Now, I can already hear all of you Negative Nancys trying to rain on my parade, saying things like  “You’re the only person in town who would think it was cool!” or “The band is broken up and the guitar player is dead!” Whatever. Moving on.)

Bawitdabaw.

2. I don’t really like Kid Rock. I remember listening to Devil Without a Cause in 1999 (about a year after it came out) and thinking it was kind of hoaky. In 1999.

IN 1999.

In 1999, I loved Limp Bizkit, Staind and whatever other music that white guys who were mad at girls released. If rap metal is trash, then I was an angry 19 year old goat; If you made a rap metal album that I wouldn’t listen to, you had dropped the ball (in fairness, Devil Without a Cause went platinum seven times).  After making a couple more albums like that since then, Kid Rock has mostly backed off of the rock rap and switched to a more country sound, his most recent hit being “All Summer Long”. What I’m saying is that he started out with a sound that I didn’t especially like, took out the aspects of his music that I did enjoy and then replaced them with country, a genre with almost no screaming or double bass drums. Other than joking with one of my friends that he should start hosting a children’s rock and roll television show called “Kid Rock – with Kid Rock”, I haven’t given him any thought.

To review: I don’t like the Stampede. I don’t like Kid Rock. So, naturally, when “Tom” asked me if I wanted to go see Kid Rock at the Stampede, I said yes.

I figured that I could go and enjoy it ironically, something that I claim to hate doing but secretly love. I planned to show up, watch a bunch of Kid Rock fans freak out while Kid Rock played his greatest hits and maybe try to get into it myself. I was even planning to grow a mustache and dress up in appropriate attire (I was thinking a trucker cap, aviator shades, jean shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt advertising NASCAR or some type of alcohol).

Then, I completely forgot about it. A few days before the show, “Tom” called me and reminded me that I had paid money to see Kid Rock on Friday. I forgot to stop shaving in time and never made it to goodwill to score the appropriate attire, so I had to show up clean shaven and in my normal clothing. I did make sure to do a fair amount of drinking before the show, though. It seemed likely that if I was drunk enough, this could be a lot of fun.

We went through the usual routine of paying too much for parking, walking through all of the cowboy shit in the heat, and then piling into the stadium.

Okay, so some metal girls are hot. Psych! This is that dude from Tokio Hotel!

The first thing I noticed is that country has a lot more hot female fans than metal does. At a typical metal show, you have about 20 girls, 15 of which have been dragged there against their will by their boyfriends, the other 5 of which resemble Harry Potter with a terrible glandular problem and a $500 dollar a month eyeshadow habit. The gender ratio was about 50/50 at the Kid Rock concert, with a normal distribution of them being attractive. They also were excited for the show, instead of sighing and glaring around the room while they grudgingly held hands with their boyfriends. It was nice to know that there would be some fun gawking to do even if I had to listen to “Cowboy” to do it.

The second thing that I noticed was that on either side of the drum set, there were kegs with strobe lights on top of them. That seemed promising.

Finally, the lights went out and Kid Rock came out … and put on a surprisingly kickass show.

He was pretty good at working the crowd. There was a lot of jumping around and at least giving the illusion of rocking even when he was playing another radio-friendly summer jam.

There was also plenty of flame, and an abundance of sparks. In fact, looking back on it, I’m pretty sure that there were a lot more pyrotechnics than any other concert I’ve been to (Take notes, Slayer. You’re being outperformed by Kid Rock.) Here’s an example:

See what I mean? There’s so much shit exploding, it almost makes you forget that you’re listening to “Bawitdaba”.

Almost.

He did a fairly good job of making the music rock, all things considered. Sure, there were some ballads and all of the songs were Kid Rock songs, but he had the common decency to do some things like back “Wasting Time” with the tune from “Paradise City” and play that one song that uses the sample from “Sad But True”.

Like I said, they were all Kid Rock songs, and I probably won’t be going to another of his concerts anytime soon, but I showed up with low expectations, an open mind and a really high blood alcohol level, and I ended up having a pretty good time.

It was all in the performance; I’ve tried listening to his music since the show, and I don’t like it any more than I did before. I have to hand it to him, though: He puts on a good show.

Okay, HERE's an attractive metal girl. Gotcha twice! It's the Tokio Hotel guy again!

One thing that did piss me off was that I got the feeling the guitar player was kind of bored and felt like he was too good for the Stampede. At the time, I remember thinking “Easy, bitch. You’re the guitar player for Kid Rock. You’re not too good for any venue.” I know that the Stampede spends a lot of money on the bands that it brings in, but I always associate playing at fairs and rodeos with milking the few remaining dollars out of the twilight of your career.

Then, I did a little bit of research, and it turns out that Kid Rock is doing just fine. I guess his latest album just went triple platinum, and he’s headlining a two day concert in Detroit in a baseball stadium that sold out in about twenty seven minutes. (One of the opening bands is Cypress Hill – more evidence that Kid Rock is probably cooler than I give him credit for).

The bottom line: I paid money to go to a Kid Rock concert and ended up having a pretty good time. In fact, my enjoyment of it was far less tongue-in-cheek than I would like to admit. I should probably just be happy that I had a good time, but I can’t stop feeling that I just woke up in bed with a really, really ugly chick after a night of binge drinking.

Oh well. It’s all good, and it’s all in fun.

NOW GET IN THE PIT AND TRY TO LOVE SOMEONE!!!

I hate myself so much right now.