Mind Your Own God Damn Business

This week has been filled with tornado warnings.

I’m neurotic, so as a result, it has been almost impossible for me to leave the house. This has meant that I’ve been watching a lot of television, and, as a result, seen a lot of ads.

"You motherfuckers better believe that I'm enjoying the hell out of this rich, creamy Activia yogurt, and that I'm about to throw down some serious dumpage in the cushions of this couch! Try to stop me! Hell, with bowels this regular, I couldn't stop me if I wanted to!"

I’ve noticed that almost all advertisements are setup to make it look like buying the product in question will provide you with something not necessarily directly related to the product – an air freshener won’t just make your house smell better, it will keep your family calm and under control. Beyond satisfying your hunger, ordering a couple of Pizza Hut’s new pizzas that have corndog crust will shut up your finicky, shithead children who always argue about what to eat for dinner. Buying Swiffer window cleaners won’t just clean your windows, it will take your dick head spouse down a peg or two for thinking he could do it quicker with the competing brand.

After watching for a while, I started to notice some patterns in the ads. Advertisements for products aimed at women tended to make the following claims:

-Use of their product would promote family harmony.

-Use would give an advantage over women they were competing with.

-Use would allow them to be included and accepted in social groups.

-Use would give them more time to relax and enjoy themselves more.

-Use would help them find love.

There were a couple more minor things, but these seemed to take up the lion’s share. Advertisements for men’s products leaned towards the following claims:

-Use of their product would make women want to have sex with you.

…And that’s about it. Given that information, I decided to take a look at advertisements and try to figure out, based on television ads, what the ideal male consumes.

1. 

   Admit it, ladies: You saw this picture and your tops immediately came off.

   Axe Body Spray. This is by far the most important product on the list. There are numerous ads for Axe, but they are all essentially the same: if you use even a small amount of the product, women who are complete strangers are physically unable to do anything but desperately try to have sex with you. You will literally be running for your life with a mob of young, attractive, sex-crazed twenty-somethings hot on your heels.

2. Any kind of alcohol, but especially cheap beer: Most inexpensive beer tastes, looks and costs the same, and so Coors, Budweiser and Miller have to differentiate their products using advertising. Sometimes the ads are focused on humor, but more often than not, it is made very clear that if you get your hands on a six-pack of Miller Lime or order an always-fresh-cold-brewed-refreshment-sealed-cold-as-the-Rockies Coors light at the bar, boobs will follow.
   

3. Diamonds: Women love diamonds, and your willingness to buy her a rock that was dug out of the ground by shelling out a sum of money based on artificially inflated prices thanks to a DeBeers Monopoly is the kind of thing that will make or break a relationship. My favorite of these are the “Jared” ads, where a woman is gushing about the piece of jewelry her husband got her from Jared Fine Jewelry, saying “He went to Jared!”, followed by her parents bragging that “He went to Jared!”, concluding with one of her friends jealously hissing “He went to Jared!” at her significant other, who apparently had the audacity to purchase jewelry from another chain. For the record, if I am ever married and my wife starts bitching at me that her friend’s husband went to Jared, her next gift from me will be a backhand and annulment papers.
   

4. 

   Holy shit, when did the Phantom of the Opera stop wearing his mask!? Someone get The Elephant Man some Just For Men, or his days of philandering are over!

   A full head of hair that isn’t grey: If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from ads, it’s that if I go bald or my hair turns grey, or God forbid both, I can forget about women ever taking me seriously again. As a male who is beginning to suffer the onset of male pattern baldness, it’s troubling to know that my love life is now officially over unless I undergo surgery and invest in some male hair dye.

5. Viagra: I don’t think this one requires an explanation, and I also have to cut it some slack, because the product’s specific purpose is to allow you to have sex. Therefore, I don’t really find it that strange when they market it by saying “These will help you have sex” in the same way that I do when it’s how they sell KFC batter fried mashed potatoes or tombstones.

There were certainly plenty of other products I saw selling sex, but these were probably the top five.

This changes everything! Five weeks ago, I was CONVINCED that I knew what women wanted: Fun, camping, music, honesty and fun! Now I know that was all a lie.  I guess that it’s time to switch to plan B: I have to sell all of my camping gear and re-invest in Miller Light and boner pills!

Then, I can just sit back and watch the ladies swarm like bees to honey.