Mind Your Own God Damn Business

A few days ago, I was on facebook, and I noticed that, after reading a movie review that completely panned the hell out of Transformers 2, one of my friends had decided to go see Transformers 2.

I found two things troubling about this:

Which form is cooler: 80's-style boombox or killer robot? The verdict: Impossible to decide.

1: I was retarded for Transformers as a child, and when the movies don’t excite me as much as the toys did when I was six, I get incredibly angry.

My childhood was a long time ago, and I’ve reached that point where there aren’t really any distinct memories of those years so much as a hazy collage that all kind of melts together, but I still have a very distinct memory of the first time I became aware of Transformers. I was up at the crack of dawn watching Saturday morning cartoons. It was still dark out, and I was sitting on the couch underneath an afghan my Grandmother made. Then, an advertisement came on for cars that turned into fucking robots and started shooting at each other. As the ad continued and a stubbly little prepubescent tent started forming in my pajamas, I became more and more convinced that I would be willing to do anything to get my hands on some of these sweet-ass fucking robots.

It’s probably a sad, sad commentary on me that one of my most vivid childhood memories is of a toy commercial, but whatever. The point is that I was crazy for Transformers, and I was young enough when they came out that I was able to maintain pants-shittingly intense passion for them throughout their lifetime – I had a similar love affair with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a few years later, but by the time they were nearing the end of their popularity, I had reached the age where I was just shrewd enough to catch onto some of the bullshit – I remember when I realized that they were putting ten new characters into the cartoon every week so kids would “need” to buy ten new toys. I was too young to have that realization with Transformers, though. I was thrilled to get Soundwave, the robot that turned into a boombox at the beginning of the franchise’s lifecycle, and was just as excited in the twilight of the product line’s success to get Polypraxon , a scrappy Decepticon who could transform into a colonoscopy camera.

They were just grasping at straws at that point.

Now, the toys I loved as a kid are the subject of movies, and I can’t watch those movies without wanting to punch someone. I get tired of the comic relief that would make Carrot Top cringe, I don’t like the constant whining from the male lead about how his parents just don’t understand, there’s not a single fucking scene where they play Pantera while the robots are fighting, and I get tired of Michael Bay’s “We’ll film the action sequences with the camera shaking like the person holding it has Parkinson’s and use 30 cuts per second so people will get the sense that something intense is probably happening on screen even if it’s impossible to tell what the fuck it is” style of directing.

"Forgive me Johnny! I didn't hear your critique of my new movie - I had 112 million dollars of opening week box office revenue plugging my ears!"

(Here’s my take on Michael Bay: He should be a special effects consultant, not a director. If you’re making a movie and there’s a scene where you need to blow some shit up, you better believe that you get Michael Bay on the line stat, because nobody can blow shit up like Michael Bay. For Christ’s sake, don’t let him direct the entire movie, though! You’ll end up with “Pearl Harbor”!)

Because of all of this, I feel like I’m watching someone shit on a cherished childhood memory every time I see a Transformers movie, and every dollar that get’s spent on movie tickets encourages another sequel with even more unfunny, choppy, Panteraless robot fights.

Why I am wrong:

Much like they were when I was a child, Transformers are directed at children, not bitter 29 year olds. Even if I don’t like the movies very much as an adult, when I’m being honest with myself, I realize that the new Transformers movies and toys are still directed at kids and just as good, actually probably far better than the ones that were released when I was 6. If I had seen either of the new Transformers movies as a 6 year old, an usher would be scraping my semen off the ceiling of a movie theater right now.

2: I don’t understand the concept of watching bad movies because they are bad.

I know that people do this. I have plenty of friends who watch shitty movies so they can enjoy them ironically, and I’ve never understood it.

First of all, it seems a little bit mean spirited to watch something just so you can laugh about how much it sucks.

More importantly, why are you deliberately watching something that you think will suck? Wouldn’t doing something you like be a better way to spend two hours?

When I’m hungry, I don’t make Ovaltine in the tank of my toilet and then slurp it up while making snarky comments with my friends about how bad it is. I eat some nachos, because they’re delicious.

When I watch TV, I don’t watch The View and then smirk and badmouth it. I see if Rob & Big is on, and if it isn’t, I throw the remote at the television and storm off to someplace where I can’t hear Elisabeth Hasslebeck saying enraging things in her shrill voice while she doesn’t take off her top because she NEVER DOES.

I know what you're thinking: "If I watch this show long enough, she's bound to stop cycling through Republican talking points and lose that dress eventually!" Don't hold your breath. Trust me on this one.

Then, I eat some nachos. Did I mention that they’re delicious?

When I watch a movie, I don’t find something to go to that I’m pretty sure I will think is stupid so I can make a show of laughing as conspicuously as possible in order to make it clear to everyone around me that I’m thoroughly unimpressed with what I’m seeing. I watch things that I like (or at least attempt to – fuck you, Battlefield Earth). Did I mention that I like eating nachos? Take notes – my birthday is right around the corner!

Why I am wrong:

After a little bit more reflection, I realized that I actually do almost all of those things.

An old roommate and I used to spend hours of our lives watching “Amazing Grace”, a bad, bad television show, but we loved making fun of it.

That same roommate and I watched Catwoman one night; It was terrible, but I’m not sure I’ve ever laughed harder.

I was hungry one time…so I ate some nachos. I’m a hypocrite. Not a moron.

Still not convinced? Kid Rock is playing at the Independence Stampede this year. I don’t like the Independence Stampede. I don’t like Kid Rock. I am also totally going to that concert, and I plan to pretend that I am pumped up about Kid Rock. Let me just repeat that: I am paying money to see Kid Rock.

You had me at "Too Much Metal For One Hand".

Okay, so, actually, looking at that picture gets me a little pumped up. Maybe I’ll be getting a little more genuine joy out of this show than I’m willing to let on.

What This All Means:

I am an inconsistent moron.

Go and enjoy not enjoying Transformers 2, friend. You have my blessing.

Bawidaba.