Mind Your Own God Damn Business

A problem as old as time itself: After a bombastic performance, Diamond Dave has completely rocked the ass off of his chaps. There's no leather on the planet strong enough to withstand the force.

1.

I noticed a few weeks ago that there’s a site called adamriff.com sending people to my site. All of the incoming traffic to my site normally comes from people’s RSS feeds or google searches for David Lee Roth and Horse Penises, so naturally I was a little bit confused.

I investigated a little bit more, and as near as I can tell, it’s a blog maintained by Biff Tannen that’s a lot more polished and frequently updated than mine. On the left hand side about half way down, there’s something called the “Dot-Conference”. Low and behold, there’s good old Mind Your Own God Damn Business in the Central Division. When I first noticed it, I was below .500, but I’ve clawed my way up to 12-10. I don’t know why I’m there, or what that means, or how my wins and losses are determined; all I do know is that if I can manage to string together seven more victories and everyone else chokes, I’ll have a one game stranglehold on the rest of the division.

Either way, you should check out the website. At first I was just interested in where the hits were coming from, but now I check it because it’s an entertaining blog.

2.

When I was in middle school and Jr. High, my only good memories involve hanging out with Danny. We would hang out, listen to music, play Super Nintendo, be sexually frustrated and watch kickass action movies. Danny has grown up, but that’s still basically what I do. Anyway, I remember watching a couple of Van Damme movies with him during one sleepover during the early 90′s. The details are pretty fuzzy with both of them, but they went down kind of like this:

In the first movie, a tour de force that undoubtedly pushed his acting skill to the limit, Van Damme played some guy who had a twin brother. Then, he beat some Asian people up.

In the second movie, some fighter puts Van Damme’s brother in a wheelchair, so he trains to avenge his crippled brother. In the final fight, they wrap their hands in gauze, dip them in resin and then roll them in broken glass. At the end of the fight, Van Damme cuts the gauze off and beats the other guy’s ass.

I remember being incredibly impressed by how kickass both of those movies were.

Dear Telemundo, I love your soft core porn programming. Don't change a thing. <3 Johnny.

So anyway, I was watching Telemundo (one of the, like, 30 Spanish channels that I get) while I was doing homework. As luck would have it, the Van Damme movie where he had a twin brother was on, so I watched it while I studied. After it was over I stayed on the same channel, because when you’re watching the Spanish channel, the odds are good that there’s going to be a talk show with a morbidly obese, sweaty, balding man and a couple of curvy 20-somethings dressed like they just got off the set of a rap video. I didn’t get any girls speaking Spanish falling out of their tops, but Telemundo did me one better: The other Van Damme movie where he avenged his crippled brother was on.

Naturally, I watched that one too. After spending four hours studying and watching Van Damme movies that I hadn’t seen in fifteen years, a few things struck me.

- Those movies are noticeably shittier than I remember them, yet, strangely, enjoyable in entirely new ways.

- These movies lose nothing from being broadcast in a language that I don’t understand. It actually keeps me a little bit more engaged, because I have to work for it to figure out the shitty, paper-thin plot when I don’t speak the language that the characters are speaking.

-Telemundo went for four hours without showing any hot Latina chicas. That has to be some kind of record for them.

- Van Damme looks way better than I remember. Maybe I’ve gotten gayer in my old age, but in the scenes where old Jean-Claude didn’t have his shirt on, I was too busy focusing on how striated his shoulders were and wondering what his body fat percentage was to pay any attention to how badly he was beating up every Asian person in sight.

You thought the "I can see his taint when he kicks" thing was an exaggeration for a cheap laugh, didn't you. Maybe this picture, which I will refer to as "Exhibit A" will change your mind. THE DEFENSE RESTS, YOUR HONOR.

- The final scene in Kickboxer is pretty gay. Van Damme and his opponent are wearing nothing but these tiny little thongs and some gauze on their hands. The result is a lot of male buttcheeks splayed all over my television screen during the fight. Once again, it was supposed to be the nail biting, action-packed climax to the movie, but all I could do was think “Jesus, Van Damme looks ripped! That being said, I wish that he wouldn’t do any more kicks, because I’m getting really sick of seeing his taint peeking out from underneath his loincloth.”

My final conclusion is that I will be watching Telemundo exclusively from here on out. It’s tits and action movies 24/7. I can get on board for that.

3.

I really like the new Mos Def album. I feel no guilt about that.

I like about every other song on the Black Eyed Peas new album, but feel terrible guilt and shame about enjoying any of it. I kind of wonder what happened to the guys who made Behind The Front.

I mean, fucking listen to this, and then compare it to that stupid “Don’t Funk With My Heart”. Those assholes pulled a pretty big Sugar Ray on me.