I’ve owned this blog for about a year and a half now.
About four months in, I wrote a post about a dream I had involving David Lee Roth tucking his penis in between his legs for a music video, and my friend in the dream explaining to me that doing that is called “Cobra Kai’n it”.
Once that post went live, the popularity of my blog took off. I mean, not a lot – a normal website probably gets as many hits in an hour as I get in a month – but I was surprised by the number of people showing up.
Unfortunately, a little bit of research revealed that it had nothing to do with the writing I was doing. People were swarming to my site because they wanted pictures of David Lee Roth. I can see what search terms are bringing people to my site, and “David Lee Roth” or some variation, usually including the words “naked” or “penis” is almost always near the top. A list of which search terms have brought in traffic since I started tracking it put “david lee roth” at the very top with 8,959 searches. Second place is “succubus” – with 756. It’s not even close. The divide between first and second is even farther when you consider that there are 27 more variations of DLR on the list, accounting for who knows how many more hits.
No matter how many times I write a post about David Lee Roth, I am always, ALWAYS able to find an even more insane picture of him than any other I've posted.
Ever since realizing this, if I’ve ever started to feel a little bit too good about the number of visitors to the site, I’ve always been able to bring myself back down to earth with big slice of humble pie a la David Lee Roth. His name has been the number one search term directing people here ever since last April.
Until now.
A few days ago, I started noticing large spikes in my traffic again. It could only mean one thing: People had a case of David Lee Roth fever, and they had it bad.
Or at least, that’s what I thought. It was a little bit different than usual. There are a few old posts that get a lot of traffic because they have a picture in them that people are interested in. When people are looking for pictures of “Succubus”, there are a lot of views of an older post where I was gushing about a now ex-girlfriend that had a picture of a succubus in it. When it’s Phil Anselmo, it’s the one about the high school girl that looked like him. When people were looking for DLR, they go to either the one about Cobra Kai’n it, or the one about the massive increase in traffic thanks to his pictures.
When I looked at the data this time, though, everybody was flocking to a post that I didn’t remember having a single bit of information about Diamond Dave in it. I went to look at it, and I was right. It was a really short post that wasn’t much but a video of some guy playing ragtime piano and a picture of a horse penis…
Oh.
A look at the search terms verified it: I have a new term bringing the traffic into my website: “Horse Penis”. In fact, it’s been the number one search term for almost a week now.
I’m torn about this. Should I be happy or sad that the number one thing that people come to my blog for is pictures of a horse’s dong?
Whatever.
I’ll try to have part three of my exploration of Internet Dating up next week. I’ll be sure to put in a few pictures of animal wangs to be sure it gets plenty of traffic.