Mind Your Own God Damn Business

(I was cleaning up my posts, and accidentally deleted this one in the process. I copied it off of google cache and posted it again. Sorry to put the same crap up.)

-CBF-

8:15 PM: I have just returned from a run and I am listening to HORSE the Band on my iPod. HORSE the Band is a fairly cookie-cutter hardcore band, but there’s a guy that plays Nintendo sounds on a keyboard while everyone else is screaming. I don’t think that they’re ever going to make it into the rock and roll hall of fame, but they’ve really tapped into a lot of different elements that I like, and so I’m enjoying them immensely.

The music comes to an especially heavy part. Without really thinking about it, I start headbanging. This goes on for a couple of seconds. Suddenly, I stop and take stock of my surroundings: I am sitting on the can, pants around my ankles, a book in my hands, rocking out as hard as I can from a seated position. I wonder what someone would think if there were to see me doing this. The absurdity of the situation sets in. I laugh sheepishly and go back to reading.

I’d like to say that I’ve never had an episode like this before, and that I don’t anticipate it happening again. Unfortunately, neither of those statements are true. This kind of thing happens to me all the time, and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon. I’ve been randomly rocking out in unusual, embarrassing locations for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it’s a conscious decision, but most of the time it’s an involuntary reaction to certain stimulus. These stimuli are terrifyingly common in the average household, making it almost impossible for me to avoid making an ass out of myself. Any combination of the following reduces me to a complete idiot in a matter of seconds:

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I, Satan, your most unholy overlord command you to slip on the floor and bump your head on the toilet!

1. Metal

Perhaps not incredibly common in most households, but present in an staggering ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of a very specific type of dwelling: “Households that I inhabit”. Double bass drums, screaming, bass guitars with two necks on them – it doesn’t matter where I am, if there’s metal playing, the story always ends the same way: With me choking on my toothbrush or falling naked through a window.

2. Mirrors

Most people use mirrors for practical tasks. They make sure their hair looks like they want it to, or maybe take out their contacts. For the average person, a mirror is a truly useful tool that provides convenience and utility. They don’t know how lucky they are. Put a mirror in front of me, and I am almost physically unable to prevent myself from going full retard. Whether I’m reliving an argument that I had with someone seven years ago, accepting the Lombardi trophy or playing a brutally heavy air bass solo that only I can hear, a mirror is a perfect catalyst for instant embarrassment for me.

3. Isolation

As most of my friends know, I tend to accidentally (and by “accidentally”, I of course mean “on purpose”) say and do inappropriate things, but I do my best to reign things in to avoid looking too stupid in front of other people. Fortunately for everyone else, I’m kind of a hermit, so I’m frequently alone, but as soon as the doors are closed and the blinds are drawn (even if they’re drawn the wrong way), I drop whatever pretense of common sense that I try to pretend to have in public. And my pants. I drop those too.

With nobody to entertain me, I’m left with no choice but to entertain myself. Most of the time I do this with Internet pornography. If there’s not a computer in the room, though, you’ve got two, maybe three minutes tops before I’m drawing a beard on my face with permanent marker and tucking my wang in between my legs.

4. Dangerous objects that I’m likely to injure myself with if I’m not being careful

This one might be faulty data collection on my part. It could be that pretending that I’m in a knife fight with the quarterback of the Oakland Raiders is not as memorable for me when I do it in the ball pit at McDonalds instead of at an abandoned construction site simply because I don’t end up with a rusty nail driven through my scrotum. Nonetheless, I have far more memories of this sort of thing happening when I’m engaging in an activity where carelessness can result in injury.

—

No big deal, right? It’s probably rare to find locations where some combination of those things are present, right? I’m afraid not. Here are some places where combinations of these things are likely to be found:

1. Bathrooms

The bathroom frequently contains mirrors, hard surfaces and slippery floors. It is second only to the kitchen in dangerous object content. Bathrooms also tend to be used one at a time, so there’s a lot of opportunity for isolation (unless, of course, you are lucky enough to find a bathroom with a love toilet installed. What’s a love toilet? I’m glad you asked.)

"Would M'Lady be so kind as to honor me with a blumpkin in exchange for a courtesy flush?" Chivalry - Still alive and kicking!

Fortunately, although the probability that I will badly injure myself while doing something stupid is high, the bathroom tends to be a private location. As long as I don’t forget to lock the door, I probably won’t embarrass myself until I have to explain to the ER doctor how I accidentally got a toothbrush jammed up my butt.

2. Cars

...And now you know why I'm no longer legally allowed to pilot a motor vehicle in the state of Alabama. The worst part? I did this on purpose. What can I say? It seemed like a good idea when I was in the grips of an especially brutal guitar solo.

Driving a car can be an isolated activity. Cars often have stereos in them and cannot even be legally operated without mirrors. Three years ago, someone was stupid enough to steal my incredibly shitty car and gut it, rendering it even shittier than it had been before. I was furious about it at the time, but, in reality, I should probably thank the thieves. The absence of a car stereo has probably prevented me from getting behind the wheel and killing myself hundreds of times, accidentally AND on purpose.

Cars are a punishing one-two punch: It’s one of the most dangerous locations to lose your bearings, and although I’m often alone in them, cars have holes in their frames called “windows” that are filled with a fairly durable but transparent substance known as “glass” that allows people to see me screaming at my empty passenger seat or using my hands to play air guitar instead of holding the steering wheel. I’ve expressed my disgust with windows before, but nobody listens.

3. Kitchens

I grew up in a family where the father was the primary cook. Over the eight year span that I half-assed my way through college, I cooked for five different restaurants. I still enjoy cooking. I spend a lot of time in the kitchen, is what I’m saying.

Unfortunately, it’s also probably the most dangerous place for me to be. When I’m not using knives, I’m handling raw meat, open flame and three hundred and fifty degree cooking oil. Since kitchens rarely have a good way to keep other people out, there’s also a pretty good chance that someone will walk in while I’m rubbing pork chops on my nipples.

(FUN FACT: Of the five restaurants that I worked for in college, an alarming ONE is still in business today. The statistics don’t lie: If you hire me, your company has an 80% chance of going under within five years. Just kidding. It’s probably just a coincidence. Probably.)

—

Those of you that have followed my blogs with any degree of regularity know that I have discussed this before at great length. Why am I bringing it up again?

I’m glad I asked.

While surfing the Internet today, I stumbled on the following video.

First of all, I don’t fuckin’ know where Daddy is, motherfucker.

Second of all, I’m pretty sure that he yells “Tarantula” during the guitar solo.

Third of all, and most importantly, I had to breathe a nervous sigh of relief after watching this clip. Why? Because there are no videos like this of me on the Internet.

Why do you suppose that is? Is it because I don’t have access to the necessary technology? Is it because my strong sense of propriety would prevent me from doing something like that on camera? Is it because I’m too smart to put content on the Internet that could prove to be embarrassing for me?

No, no and NO.

There is one reason and one reason only that there are no videos on the Internet of middle school me screaming at the camera, playing air guitar and flexing my C-cups: Because the technology didn’t exist when I was in middle school. That’s it.

A video like this would certainly be inconvenient for me now, but it would be crushing in middle school. I was unhappy and hypersensitive enough during that time of my life, and something like that would have resulted in endless mocking. I would be horrified if my classmates were to see me doing something like this, and with the way the Internet is, they WOULD see it. A video like this would have ruined my life in middle school. Nothing good would have come of it.

With that being said, I am 100% positive that if digital video cameras and youtube had existed twenty years ago, I would have been physically incapable of avoiding the creation and subsequent distribution of a video like this. Half of America would see me gallivanting around without my shirt on and doing the truffle shuffle. It’s not up for debate. Videotaping my stupid behavior and putting it on the Internet is COMPLETELY something that I would do. I am utterly confident of this fact.

I guess what I’m saying is that this provides me with some perspective about my goofy behavior. Sure, it’s inconvenient when I realize that I’m talking to myself at the gym or have to explain to someone who has come into the kitchen unexpectedly why I am out of breath and holding a rolling pin like it’s a battle axe.

But I dodged a bullet, and the only reason is because I was born thirty years ago instead of thirteen.

Maybe being old isn’t so bad after all.

…Or maybe I should keep my guard up.