Number 4.
(You’ll notice that I didn’t put my “-CBF-” at the top of this post. There aren’t any inappropriate pictures in this post, per se, but I think that Brett Farve is a butthole, so I wanted to give all of you fair warning.)
So I was at the gym today, watching T.V.
NFL Live was on, which was a pleasant surprise. I like football, and believe it or not, they cover it at great length on NFL Live. The season doesn’t start for a few more months, so I assumed that there wouldn’t be anything too exciting on – maybe a few stories about trades and the draft, probably a bunch of predictions about how the season would play out.
And then my heart sank.
Why, you ask?
I see this guy's face on T.V. more than I see my own dick.
Because Brett Fucking Favre had a meeting with the coach of the Minnesota Vikings today about possibly playing for them next year.
And just like that, any hope I had of getting any news about football that didn’t have to do with Brett Favre between now and the beginning of the season got flushed down the toilet.
Whoop!
For a long time, I didn’t mind Brett Favre. He seemed like a pretty decent guy, he’s a first ballot hall of fame quarterback, he played for the Packers, who the Broncos almost never play, and he played a big role in the Broncos’ first superbowl win. The picture to your right is of him fumbling the football. It’s hard to tell from this picture, but he is fumbling because Steve Atwater almost decapitated him with this hit.
See what I mean? What’s not to like?
For a long time, nothing.
And then, a few years ago, my troubles began.
Tearful goodbyes.
Have you ever seen a Friday the 13th movie or maybe Halloween? You know how something happens to the villain that convinces you that he’s dead? They set him on fire, decapitate him, entomb him in concrete and then shoot him into the sun? And yet, thirty seconds later he jumps through the window with a machete and the protagonist’s love interest’s head?
Yeah. It’s kind of like that.
In 2006, Favre announced at the beginning of the year that it would be his final season playing football. The media was instantly flooded with retrospectives and tributes sucking Favre’s dick for an incredible career, which is fair: Statistically, he’s one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.
Then, towards the end of the season, he decided that he would stay beyond the 2006 season. There was much rejoicing in Green Bay.
In 2007, he said at the end of the season that he would decide quickly if he was going to retire, which meant that ESPN spent almost all of it’s time speculating as to whether this would be the year that Brett Favre called it quits.
After several weeks of that shit, he decided that he would be back for 2008, which started a whole new onslaught of breaking news.
Getting sick of this yet?
In 2008, Favre formally announced his retirement in a tearful statement. Once again, every outlet for sports related news was saturated with shit about what an amazing career Favre had enjoyed.
Later in 2008, he decided to un-retire. Green Bay didn’t want him back, so he played for the Jets. It was huge news that the Packers were trading their franchise quarterback of 16 years (albeit their retired one), and so the media focused all of their energy on Favre’s moves leading up to his trade and then his move to the Jets. If he ate a sandwich, it was reported on ESPN. If he neutered his dog, they would spend an hour dissecting the move on Sports Center.
At the end of the 2008 season that started with promise but ended in disappointment (including a 34-17 home loss to a woefully inept Denver Broncos team that couldn’t even make it over .500 that year) , Favre announced his retirement, claiming that this was it. He wasn’t fucking around this time. The media was appropriately respectful of this momentous occasion; They made sure to bombard every form of sports news with tributes to his decorated career.
Which brings us to today on the treadmill when I found out that asshole was thinking of coming back. Not coming back for sure – oh no, a concrete decision like that wouldn’t require updates every 6 minutes. Coming back for maybe.
There he is again!
I know that it was stupid of me, but I was thinking that maybe, possibly, there was a chance that this year, Brett Favre would stay retired so I could maybe, just maybe, watch ESPN without watching Tony Kornheiser and John Clayton argue about Favre’s motivation for returning to football and the implications for the division.
See how annoying this is?
No such luck, though; if I try to follow sports at all, I’m not going to be able to open a paper, log on to a website or turn on a T.V. without that motherfucker staring back at me. At the end of the season, there will undoubtedly be more tearful goodbyes and speculation about his return.
Brett, you’re a character, and it’s fun to watch you play, especially when it involves you choking against the team I support. You can play until you die of old age for all I care, but for the love of Christ, quit this flip flop shit, because now I will be spending the next three months getting constant updates from ESPN.com that you took a dump at the Texan’s training camp or were driving your car near the Dolphin’s stadium.
God Damn it.
Oh well. At least the Nuggets are playing well, which still shocks me every time they win a game.