-CBF-

(I am taking a tour of Internet dating to see what it’s all about. More details here.)

Craigslist: The Ladies

I’ve started my adventures with craigslist.com, because it’s easy to look over all of the personals without having to sign up for anything.

I started with the “Women Seeking Men” in my area of the state.

So far, it’s not looking good.

Based on the personal ads that I’m reading, some generalizations about the heterosexual female dating community in my area can be made:

• They love camping.
• They are laid back and fun loving.
• They hate drama.
• They do not enjoy head games.
• They are looking for someone who is honest.
• They enjoy music and movies.
• They require that you have a good sense of humor
• You must be able to enjoy their sarcastic, strong, honest, or some other code word for “bitchy” personality.

I say that if you were to select a random “woman seeking man” post on cragislist, there is a 100% chance that one of these things will be in it, a 90% chance that two or more of these facts will be in it, and somewhere around a 50% chance that you will find all seven of these bits of information contained in the post.

Lets go over this list.

Loves Camping:

I don’t have much to say about this. It just surprises me that everyone loves camping so much, or that they think that it will be vital information to know if you want to date them. It’s a very specific activity that everyone with an Internet connection and a vagina seems to be gung-ho about. Then again, maybe this IS important. Here’s a conversation I had with my friend Dan about this:

(03:45:30 PM) Johnny: and camping.
(03:45:36 PM) Johnny: I don’t know what the fuck to make of that one.
(03:45:58 PM) Johnny: But about 90% of the ads mention how much they adore camping.
(03:46:45 PM) Danny: It’s because it’s Colorado
(03:46:57 PM) Danny: They think it makes them outdoorsy and sexy or something
(03:47:00 PM) Johnny: So? It’s camping.
(03:47:04 PM) Danny: I bet most of them don’t really like camping.
(03:47:13 PM) Danny: But maybe I’m high.
(03:47:16 PM) Johnny: Even if we lived in Germany, I wouldn’t think ethnic cleansing was a turn on.
(03:47:19 PM) Danny: Maybe it’s like a code-word for something.
(03:47:34 PM) Johnny: Hopefully ass play.

Yes. Hopefully ass play indeed.

Laid Back and Fun Loving:

The North American Grizzly, worked into an unstoppable lather brought on by the smell of sweet, virgin hole. The grizzly can detect this scent from up to ten miles away. Once locked on to the object of his frenzied bear-lust, even the sweetest lake trout won't divert him.

I am fine with this, except that it’s way too fucking vague.

Everybody is laid back…about things that don’t piss them off. I’m at least five minutes late to almost any event where I’m not getting paid to be there, but usually closer to thirty. You might say that I’m very laid back about punctuality. Then again, I’ve dated several girls who respond to my constant tardiness with emotions ranging from mild irritation to murderous rage. Call it what you will, their response is not “laid back”. I’m pretty laid back about wearing pants as well. On the other hand, I’m pretty anal about good oral hygiene, and when someone couldn’t care less about something but tells me that they “could care less”, I want to punch them.

We all have different things that we can shrug off and be “laid back” about and things that piss us off. What you’re actually saying is “I’m laid back about the things I’m laid back about”. If only I knew what those things were, perhaps by way of the personal ad that you put up.

Fun loving is more of the same. It seems like a neat quality at first, until you consider this: How many people do you know who wouldn’t describe themselves as “fun loving”?  Nobody. Everybody on the planet identifies themselves as “fun loving”, they all just have different definitions of fun. Saying “I love fun” is kind of like saying “I like things that I like”.

Really? You like things that are fun? Stop the fucking presses! It is SO refreshing to find someone who doesn’t just like fun, but loves it! I don’t know where you find the courage to admit that you think fun things are fun.

Oh wait…everybody has a different idea of “fun”, as evidenced by the fact that most of these people also like camping. (Camping, for those of you who don’t know, is an activity where you sleep on rocks without hot water or Internet so you can wipe your ass with pine cones and risk getting raped by a bear (thank you, Tarina.)

No Use For Drama Or Head Games:

Sorry, Ben Watson. Ray Lewis loves playing games. FULL THROTTLE!!!

Another revelation, to be certain.

First, it’s like “Laid back” and “Fun loving”. You aren’t saying anything useful.

Nobody identifies themselves as “Looking for a lot of drama” or “A strong proponent of head games”, so you’re not actually telling anyone anything that they didn’t already know (Actually, you’re saying more than you think you are, but you’re not sending the message that you intend to – more on that in a second).

Second, nobody that creates drama or plays “games” realizes that they’re doing it, except maybe sociopaths, who will respond to your ad no matter what it says anyway. I’ve had to deal with drama and games in various relationships that I’ve been in, and when I’m on the receiving end of it, even though it always pisses me off, it has never seemed like the person was making a conscious decision to deliberately fuck with me.

In hindsight, I’ve done my fair share of it as well, and I never said to myself at the time “I am going to be dramatic,” or “It’s game time! DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!”

Finally, any time I hear anyone say that they hate drama and games, it always sets off a little alarm in my head that lets me know that I need to run like hell, because nobody actually ever says this unless they’re actually always balls deep in drama and head games. It’s just the way it is.

Must be Honest:

Oh, you don’t want to date a compulsive liar? Well, it’s a good thing that you put that in your personal ad. If you didn’t, a deceitful person might respond to the ad. This is sure to drive all of the liars away, though.

Enjoy Music and Movies:

Always a bonus. I also enjoy these things. Tell me this, though: Do you enjoy them as much as you enjoy fun?

Enjoy a Good Sense of Humor:

So do I, but everybody thinks that they have a good sense of humor, because if you thought you had a bad sense of humor, you would think that the things you find humorous aren’t actually funny, which is kind of like saying “I think this thing that I think is true is not true”. And nobody is going to say “I would reply to this ad, but unfortunately, I have a terrible sense of humor. The things that I find funny are actually stupid.”

Must be willing to put up with their “Strong”, “Sarcastic” or “Honest” personality:

I’ve never met anybody that I consider genuinely sarcastic that would tell you that they are sarcastic. Normally, when a person is quick to point out how sarcastic or strong or honest their personality is, it’s because they frequently have to defend themselves from accusations that they are a bitch, usually because they are a bitch.

This includes men.

The Verdict:

Dan put it best: “Craigslist is good for finding something I would buy at a garage sale in front of a trailer. I don’t look for girls at garage sales, so no Craigslist for me”.

Well, I’m not Dan, so I fired up my word processor and concocted an ad, that, if my research is correct, will have me up to my elbows in single ladies within the day. Here’s the link, but just in case it gets flagged for some strange reason:

I hate drama almost as much as I love fun! – 29 (Northern Colorado)

Ladies, I’m not going to lie: I’m a lonely husk of a man. I’ve researched what women are looking for on craigslist, though, and I think that maybe we can make a connection!

Let me start by telling you a little about myself!

Are you tired of men who are indifferent towards fun or even hate fun? You’re in luck! I am laid back and fun LOVING! It’s true! I love fun!

Not only that, I love camping! Canned food, weird smelling tents, uncomfortable, dreamless sleep and deadly animals longing to feast on my flesh – All I can think about when I’m at home in the shower or sleeping in my own bed instead of on some dirt at a forty five degree angle is how much I hate it and wish I was back out in the woods wearing the same pair of underwear for the third day in a row!

I also love movies and music! Unusual, I know! Please send me a list of your favorite movies and music, because I think that they are good indicators of how compatible we will be!

I know what you’re thinking: This is too good to be true! You’re right, more right than you may know, in fact, but it gets even better: I am honest AND funny! Those are both objective qualities that I couldn’t claim I had unless it were true! I am hilarious, and I am always honest, especially when I tell you that I am honest! There is no way I could be lying about it; that would be dishonest, which I just made clear I am not!

And now, the things I don’t like: Drama and head games. I know this comes a little bit out of left field, but it’s true. I don’t like it when people start fights with me for no reason or try to manipulate me. I know that’s unusual, so I made sure to be specific about it.

That’s it! I’m looking forward to hearing from you soon!

Swarm, ladies! SWARM!!!

Now, let me be honest with you for a second (I’m honest, remember?) The picture below isn’t me. I just know that no one will view this unless it has a pic in it, so please enjoy this picture of teenage heart throb Ben Matlock!

• Location: Northern Colorado
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1156346598

Bring on the ‘tang!!!