-CBF-

(I originally posted an abbreviated version of this post at the top of another one as an afterthought. After further reflection, I decided something this important warranted more inspection. If you were one of the small handful of readers who saw it before I removed it yesterday, I apologize for repeating myself, although that should be nothing new for anyone who reads this blog with any regularity.)

I wrote a post recently documenting the stupid things that I do when I’m by myself.

My room, last night, 6:47 PM.

On an unrelated note, I was masturbating last night.

Without really thinking about it, when I finished, I yelled “Knock out!”, like they do in Super Punch Out when you…well, when you knock someone out.

I spent a couple of moments thinking “Did I really just do that?” followed by peals of laughter, followed by wondering  if I have a brain tumor or something.

What the fuck makes me do this crap? I don’t remember EXACTLY what I was thinking about while I was engaged in “The Act”, but I have a pretty good idea. There only about three or four things that I’ve got on my mind when I’m enjoying that activity, and none of them even kind of have to do with Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. I have no idea what sort of faulty wiring my brain has, but the part that gets triggered when I climax apparently also stores sound bites from video games.

After some reflection, I think that there are a few important facts that we can glean from this experience and things that need to be considered:

1. If I’m going to scream things like that out, I should go all out. What do I mean by “All out”, you ask?

It’s simple, really: The next time that I’m masturbating, I’ll dim the lights, hit up the Internet, light a few candles…and start blasting the fight music from Punch Out.

Not familiar with that particular tune? No problem. Just hit play on the video below while you keep reading.

Despite what it may sound like from outside, this will not be what I'm looking at while in the throws of passion. At least, not as far as you know.

This course of action has several practical uses:

• My bizarre outbursts will seem, at least on the surface, to make sense. The next time that it happens, I can write it off as a result of the music that was playing and go about my business instead of wasting a few hours reflecting and then writing a short essay about it.
• Say that you, a third party, know what that music means. If you happen to be aware of the fact that when you hear that tune coming from my room and the muffled sounds of me screaming “BULL CHARGE!” and “MIGHTY BLOW!” at the top of my lungs that it means I’m going to have my pants around my ankles and my junk in hand if you come in, you’ll have fair warning that now would probably be kind of a bad time to ask me if I can drive you to the mall.
• Suppose, instead, that you don’t know what that music means. Assuming that I’ve locked the door and drawn the blinds in a way that prevents you from seeing me (NEVER a sure bet, but I guess stranger things have happened), you’ll think that I’m just engaged in an incredibly heated battle with Soda Popinski, not getting off to pictures of severed limbs and Yao Ming/Burl Ives erotic slash fiction.

It’s win/win.

Just like Doc says: “Join the Nintendo fun club today, Mac!”

Next point.

2. If you are ever having sex with me, and I DON’T scream something like “SONIC BOOM!!!” or “HA-DO-KEN!”, you’ll know that I didn’t actually have an orgasm.

Sorry.

It’s just a fact.

Speaking of,

3. Is this bizarre behavior going to remain exclusive to Punch Out? There are plenty of other games with similarly entertaining sound bites. Street Fighter II (“Ha-do-ken!”, “Tiger Uppercut!”, “Sonic Boom!”, “Yoga Flame!”), Mortal Kombat (“Finish him!”, “Fatality!”) and Altered Beast (“Rise From Your Grave!”, “Welcome To Your Doom!”) all come to mind. Am I going to reflexively yell “I’M BAD!” next time?

Who knows? Certainly not me.

4. Seriously. Do I have some sort of degenerative brain disease? I still have no idea why I did that. I guess that it probably doesn’t matter.

Oh well. Even if I’m dying of Alzheimer’s as we speak, this combination of two things that I love certainly adds a touch of whimsy and humor to an activity that I already find thoroughly entertaining.

Now excuse me. I have to enjoy some alone time.

I’M BAD!!!