Mind Your Own God Damn Business

Before I begin, I have to share a link to something called “Screamo-Crunk”. It’s exactly what it sounds like – Lil’ Jon Crunk type music, but with effeminate men with highlights in their hair and skinny girl jeans screaming instead of dudes with gold teeth and rhinestone-encrusted chalices rapping. Here’s a sample:

I’m not sure if this is awesome or retarded. I’m leaning towards retarded, but I’m fascinated by it and can’t seem to stop listening to it.

Moving on.

Here’s a riddle:

Suppose that you’re the recently appointed head chef at a restaurant. You’re preparing an important meal for a big table that night. The restaurant has a really good lobster supplier that they went to a lot of trouble to lock up, so the obvious choice is to serve lobster.

But you decide that you’re going to try and get steak instead, because you served steak at the last place that you worked. The steak is of slightly inferior quality to the lobster, but it was really popular at the old restaurant that you worked in because of all of the good things surrounding it – a delicious marinade, great side dishes, moist, chewy dinner rolls – the steak is good, but seems much better because there are so many good things complementing  it.

So you try to cut a deal with the steak guy so you can serve steak instead of lobster. Unfortunately, the deal falls though.

No problem. You’ll just keep serving lobster, right? Oops! The lobster supplier gets wind of the fact that you were trying to get rid of him in favor of the steak guy. This pisses the lobster guy off, and so he tells you to go fuck yourself.

Now you have no steak, and no lobster. It’s okay. You’ll just get a new lobster or steak supplier, right?

Wrong, bitch. The next best alternative is pot roast.

So, here’s the Riddle: What’s the name of the restaurant that you’re working at?

That’s right. The Denver Broncos.

Here's a picture of Jay Cutler, throwing a completion, interception, or incompletion. Hard to say. One thing is for certain, though: He's throwing it really fucking hard.

I suppose that I should apologize. I know of about five people that read this blog on a regular basis. I know that two of them are completely indifferent to football, and so I’m boring at LEAST 40% of the people who are crazy enough to waste their time reading this in the first place.

Well, one of the five wants to know what I think about Jay Cutler. That one person is twenty percent of my readership.

I have to give the people what they want.

The Broncos have Jay Cutler, their new coach tried to trade him for Matt Cassel, who isn’t as good, the deal fell through, now Cutler wants to leave, and that leaves the Broncos with…pot roast.

There have been people on both sides of this argument. Some people think that the new coach is a retard for trying to unload a 25 year old franchise quarterback that’s debatably the best player on the team. Others think that Cutler needs to quit acting so butt-hurt and just play, because football is a business, and trade offers are just part of the game. Everyone that kind of cares about football has some sort of opinion on it. I think I’m going to wait to pass judgement, at least for now.

Here’s the problem I see with coaching in the NFL: Your job is constantly in jeopardy in a way that it didn’t used to be ten years ago. Everybody wants to win right away, and so fans are ready to turn on you and owners are ready to can you faster than they ever were, so coaches are terrified of taking risks, and I think that it results in less interesting games (and probably fewer wins.)

This guy's name is also Jay Cutler. Here he is doing curls. I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure that he's having an orgasm, too.

Last year, when they were down by one point with a few seconds left in the game, the Broncos decided to go for a risky two point conversion instead of the much easier extra point and tie against the Chargers. They ended up getting the extra point and winning the game. Everyone spent the next two weeks talking about what a genius Mike Shanahan was. In all honesty, I think it was a smart move; Denver’s defense was awful, and giving the Chargers any opportunity to touch the ball again almost certainly would have resulted in a loss.

But even though he was being celebrated as a genius, I was shocked that Shanahan had the stones to go for two. Here’s the thing: if that two point conversion hadn’t worked, everyone would have spent the rest of the year screaming about what a dangerous lunatic Mike Shanahan was and how he was completely fucking up the team.

People do this all the time, and football is no exception. Somebody takes a risk, and based on how it turns out, people either deem that person a visionary or an idiot. Once the event has happened, they’re convinced that in hindsight, the outcome was obvious, even though it usually wasn’t. I don’t think this is any different.

Everyone has been analyzing the hell out of the whole situation, but I think that it’s all going to boil down to how well the team plays. If they win, everyone will look back on the whole situation and think that Josh McDaniels is a genius, regardless of whether or not Cutler is the quarterback. If the team loses, I think that everyone will be ready to run him out of town. Fans will be ready to firebomb his house if they lose and Cutler gets traded, and if they lose and Cutler is traded AND he plays really well for his new team, random people on the street will be trying to rape McDaniels at knife point. But we don’t know yet.

This is Matt Cassel. He thrived in a Patriots offense that I probably could have scored a few touchdowns in if they had plugged me into it.

I guess if I had to say anything about it, it would be this:

if you’re a rookie coach who’s supposed to turn around a team, and you try to trade the franchise quarterback who managed to turn an offense with no running game into the number 2 offense in the league, and there’s no good alternative if the deal falls through, maybe you make good and fucking sure that the deal goes through, because if you don’t, the Broncos receiving corps are going to be catching short, wobbly passes from Chris Simms or Jeff fucking Garcia, and I’m going to have to suffer through sixteen weeks of rage, shame and potroast.

Unless Chris Simms turns out to be incredible, in which case I will be gushing about what a cagey move it was on McDaniels’ part to alienate Cutler.

Anyway, sorry to the people that don’t care about sports or my opinion on them. I promise that I’ll go back to my pornographic dreams about Wilford Brimley… as soon as I embed this video of 2008 Broncos highlights.

Now pray for more snow. I could use a three day weekend.