Mind Your Own God Damn Business

It’s been more than seven days since my last update. Sorry. That empty sense of longing that you’ve been feeling for the past few days that you couldn’t quite identify the source of? Now you know. Sorry about that.

I have an excuse, though. I was sick. Not really sick, I would say that it was probably just a head cold, but there was about a 48 hour period where I was in that zone where all that I could concentrate on was how crappy I felt. You know what I’m talking about – you can’t watch T.V., you can’t have a conversation, you can’t really even sleep. All you do is lie there and think things like “I never realized how nice it was to be able to breathe”, and “An hour ago I was pretty sure I had a fever because I was shivering in a 90 degree room, and now I’m pretty sure that I have a fever because I feel like I’m roasting in a 70 degree room – I wonder if that means I’m getting better or worse?” and “You know what’s really great? Solid bowel movements. At least, that’s what people tell me”.

Anyway, this I’m out of the fog now, and even though I’m still sick, I can breathe without thinking about it and it doesn’t hurt to do things like lie in a bed or sit in a chair, so my brain can focus on important things.

You know, like blog posts.

Speaking of the blog, there have been some changes.

First of all, the new formatting has made all of my old photo captions from before the format change invisible. If you want to know what sort of hilarious quips I had underneath the Golden Girls or David Lee Roth or that really inappropriate photo of the guy’s ass with the really weird tattoo on it, you’ll have to view the HTML, I guess. Sorry.

(Speaking of, I still get a fairly large percentage of my daily traffic from searches for David Lee Roth photos, but we have a new contender in the running – I was looking through search terms today, and “HAWGSS TATOO” came up. I’m feeling generous, so I won’t put up the actual photo of said tattoo.

At full size.

It never gets any less terrifying.

Remember that? Yeah, me too.

I don’t really know why I insist on maintaining a blog, seeing ass all that they have ever yielded me are lawsuits, memorably bad rebound relationships and hurt feelings, but whatever the reason is, I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t this. Mindyourowngoddamnbusiness.com – your one-stop site for pictures of David Lee Roth, butt hole-related tattoos, and nothing else of any importance, apparently!)

Second of all, I get about three comments a month on this blog from people who I know who have something to say that pertains to what is written in the blog.

Along with those, I get about 25 comments every day that are spam. Normally, this wouldn’t surprise me. If people know of any medium to contact you through to send you spam, they will do it, and they will do it frequently.

Everybody that has a computer has gotten spam. You get an email from someone you don’t recognize with a slightly suspect subject, and if you open it, it’s an link for an allegedly free Xbox360 or some cheap Viagra.

This is different, though.

Here’s a screenshot of the last few comments that I’ve labeled as spam:

Awesome.

There are a few things that we can glean from this screenshot. Hopefully, none of them pertain to my identity or bank account, not that I’ll be surprised if they do (I’m a moron when it comes to keeping sensitive information off of the Internet, and this would certainly be a golden opportunity to let something important slip). Anyway,

• I’m too much of a dick to save you bandwith by cropping out the unimportant information or using a thumbnail of a large image. Sorry. I resized it a little bit. You’re welcome.
• I had to Google how to take a screen shot. What can I say? I can barely turn on a computer running linux without getting confused.
• I get spam in my email, in my snail mail and on social networking sites, but the comments section of my blog yields the filthiest, most depraved variety by a very wide margin. There’s not a close second.

Take a good long look at that. I’m not an expert on law, but I’m pretty sure that “Free tit torture” is the only one of those acts that’s even legal, unless the “Animal sex” ones are referring to animals having sex with other animals and not with people.

(Okay, I lied. I just did a little bit of research, and if everyone is over 18 and it’s consensual, incest is actually legal in some states. I take back everything I said. Oh wait. No, I don’t.)

(Okay, I lied again. I just did some more research, and bestiality is actually legal in 23 states, including Colorado. It’s good to know that if I make a right turn on red at two in the morning when no one else is within four city blocks, that’s a $160 ticket, but if I decide to fuck a horse, I’m in the clear.)

Dishing out some Texas Justice, Panda-style.

(I also have to point this out – according to the source I found, Texas decriminalized bestiality in 1974. Is it just me, or is creating a law against sex with animals and then repealing it about 400 times more retarded than just never bothering to come up with one in the first place? If a state doesn’t have such a law, it seems plausible that the subject just never came up. If they did have the law and then repealed it, that means that someone cared enough about letting people have sex with animals that they were willing to go through the work of getting a law taken off the books. At some point, someone walked into the courthouse and said “Now wait a second. As it currently stands, if a man decides to give his pet dachshund a rim job, he’s committing a crime in the eyes of the state! What sort of country are we living in when we make it against the law for a man to toss his dog’s salad?” And then everyone listening to him thought about it and said “You know what? This guy’s making a lot of sense right now!” Way to go, Texas!)

(Thankfully, after checking, I can verify that rape is always illegal, no matter what age the participants are or what state it’s commited in. Thank God. It’s nice to know that even though under the right circumstances you can have a three way with your mom and a water buffalo without breaking any laws, rape is always illegal.)

Deleting a handful of these messages every time that I sort out my comments section has given me some time to reflect on spam, and I have to say, I am incredibly confused by these. They go against everything that I know about bulk advertising.

It seems to me that if you’re going to send out something in bulk, you’re going to want to advertize something that’s likely to appeal to a large number of people. Viagra. A Macy’s gift card. Perscription pain killers. A large sum of money in a Nigerian prince’s bank account. Normal pornography. A lor of people want that stuff. My guess is that a smaller number of people are interested in barely legal extreme fringe pornography. I’m not saying that nobody will want it, but it seems like you’re trying to appeal to a pretty small audience. If you were to get ten random people and offer them some pain killers, a gift card or a bunch of free money, I’m guessing that eight out of ten would probably have some interest. If, on the other hand, you put ten people in a room and offered them a video of a man performing a Clevland steamer on a grizzly bear…actually, that sounds pretty awesome. Everyone would probably want to see that. You know what I mean, though. They’re trying to sell a product that nobody wants by bulk mailing everyone.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy, and this is genius. Do any of you have interest in this stuff? Should I be approving these comments so you can get that Rape DVD that you’ve been wanting so badly?

Let me know.

I would embed a video at this point, but nobody watches the videos I embed. Here’s this instead:

Welcome to Texas.

Maybe I need to stop harping on the alleged ineffectiveness of the spam comments that I’ve been getting. They’re apparently working just fine on me. Now I can’t stop thinking about bestiality.

Good Day.