Mind Your Own God Damn Business

Good morning! I’m glad that you could all make it to the workshop today! I’m here to give you some exciting news! Let’s get started!

Who here has a blog? Who doesn’t, right? I know that I do!

What’s the number one problem with owning a blog? Getting people to read it! Am I right, people!? Am I right?

Sure, everyone has a handful of family members and a few friends that are willing to visit their blog on a regular basis – that’s a given! But how do you really get the asses in the seats? How do you increase your traffic up to 40, 50, even 60 hits a day?

Sure, you could start writing interesting content. But with work, kids and housework, who has that kind of time!?

Well, what if I told you that there was a way to take those two or three hits a day and turn them into 20 or 30, all WITHOUT having to go through the backbreaking strain of thinking up and writing something that people want to read?

Would that be something you’re interested in? It is? GREAT! Then let’s get started!

One month ago, I was just like all of you: I had a blog, but no one was reading it! Sure, I would get a hit from a friend here and there, my family would feign interest in my diatribes about mowing the lawn or my special order getting screwed up at Bennigans, but that was it! On a GOOD day, I was getting two or three visits to my blog – I was pathetic! At rock bottom.

But then, one day, all of that changed! Do you want to know my secret? I said, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MY SECRET? I CAN’T HE-AR YOU!!!

Alright, here it is:

I was trudging along, dumping all of the boring minutia of my life into my lonely, unvisited blog. Then, one day, I noticed that hits had shot up. I didn’t know what to make of it, but I was grateful. The next day, I checked them again, and they had shot up even more! In the span of two days, I had gone from a two or three visit a day loser to a wildly successful thirty-hit-a-day juggernaut!

It was then that I decided to look into this surge in traffic and get to the bottom of it!

The first thing that I noticed was that most of my hits were coming from this specific blog post about a technique I invented in my sleep called “Cobra Kai’n it” – but that’s an entirely different workshop!
I decided to look into it more carefully, so I checked out what search terms people had been using that had directed them to my blog.

What I found was alarming!

There were a few random search terms that scored me a few visits – “Succubus” was yielding about 3 hits per day, “gay porn” was directing about 5 people to my site every day – one lucky soul even found my blog by searching for “dog porn gay” (Let me break the 4th wall for a second here – I swear to God this is true. Other honorable mentions include “emo butt”, “warcraft porn succubus” and about 40 other variations of “gay porn”.)

But these search terms were small potatoes. I was only getting four or five extra hits a day from people mistakenly looking for a good supply of only the hottest dog porn of the gay variety, whatever the fuck that horrible, unspeakable act entails.

But there was one term that was bringing people to my blog in droves. One thing they were searching for that was directing them, time and time again to my rambling, incoherent posts. Do you want to know what that search term was?

I SAID, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT SEARCH TERM WAS? DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU?! SHOULD I TELL YOU!?

The term, of course, was “David Lee Roth”! It seems like an innocuous phrase, but make no mistake, those three little words are the proverbial milkshake that is bringing all of the boys to the yard, and when I say “boys”, I mean …Actually, I’m not sure who I mean. I had no idea that David Lee Roth was still on anyone’s radar.

That’s not the point, though! The point is that the number one phrase people search for that leads them to my blog, “David Lee Roth”, as of 12:25 today has suckered 1,568 unwitting souls into reading all of my boring thoughts! The next highest search term has yielded half as many hits! On top of that, there are over 20 variations on Diamond Dave’s good name tricking people into visiting this site! “David Lee Roth naked”, “David Lee Roth chaps”, even “David Lee Roth penis”! (Once again, I swear this is true. People searching for “David Lee Roth penis” have been directed to my blog five times. What this means is that if you’re ever on a game show and the host asks you how many times someone has searched for “David Lee Roth penis” on the Internet, the answer, frighteningly enough, is “at least five”.) There are probably at least 100 other hits from the different types of searches for Diamond Dave, or his chaps, or his penis!

I know what you’re thinking: “But Johnny! How do I apply this powerful secret to my blogging to make it successful!?”

I’m glad you asked. I could tell you how, but instead, how about I SHOW you how?

Here’s a typical blog post:

———-
Moby Dick
By Herman Melville

Chapter One

“Call me Ishmael. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off – then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.”
———-

Not bad, right? You might even consider it a classical piece of literature, worthy of study years after it was written? WRONG, BITCH! CALL THE SNORE-BLIANCE, BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS BORING!!! Nothing can save this dull piece of crap, right?

WRONG AGAIN! Take a look at this spiced up version. See if you can spot the difference:

———-

Moby David Lee Roth
By Herman “Diamond Dave” Melville
Chapter Lee Roth

“Call me DavidLeeRoth.

Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no Diamond in my David Lee Roth Penis, and nothing particular to interest me on David Lee Roth Chaps, I thought I would David Lee Roth about a little and see the Livin’ in Paradise part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the Just a Gigolo, and regulating the did I mention David Lee Roth. Whenever I find myself growing grim about the David Lee Roth penis; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my Chaps; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before Van Halen warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper Diamond Dave Penis of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the Dancin’ In the Street, and methodically knocking people’s chaps penis Van Halen off – then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for David and Lee Roth. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his Buttless Chaps David Lee Roth Dog Porn; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me. David Lee Roth, David Lee Roth, David Lee Roth. Dog Porn Gay”

———-

It’s a subtle distinction, but can you see the difference in the two posts? Look carefully, it’s there! How many more hits do you think my blog would’ve gotten from the original post?

None, right? Right!

Now, how about the Roth’d up version of that post? God only knows! I’m am being completely honest with you when I tell you that I am completely terrified to see what kind of sick, depraved people come to my website looking for David Lee Roth engaging in unspeakable sex acts. I can hardly wait to find out how many hits a day I will receive from people searching for things that will make my stomach churn – churn with the satisfaction of knowing that I tricked someone into visiting my blog!

So there you go! You know my secret. To recap my recipe for success:

1. Write a post.
2. Fill it full of out of place, inappropriate references and photos of VanHalen frontman David Lee Roth.
3. Sit back and watch your hit counter accelerate to speeds you previously only dreamed of as people show up to your site, realize that it’s not at all what they thought it was and then immediately navigate away, disgusted that you would have the audacity to waste their time with a webpage that doesn’t have a single picture of David Lee Roth fellating a German Shepard.

I’d like to thank you all for coming out today, and wish you the best of luck in your Internet writing adventures!

Here’s one more picture of the Rothman to get you started:

Now get out there and get some hits!!!

Goodnight.