Mind Your Own God Damn Business

I had a really wild dream two nights ago involving Dan, Van Halen, The Karate Kid and a little touch of Silence of the Lambs.

Allow me to elaborate.

So there I was, in the dream, watching MTv with Dan.

They were showing a Van Halen video. Not a real Van Halen video, but one that my brain was making up while I was asleep.

There came a part in the video where the camera was showing a train rolling by. The camera was rolling along with the train, and the camera moved forward a few cars, revealing David Lee Roth. He was hanging off of the side of the train, facing the camera and singing the lyrics to the song, looking very macho in a 1980′s-hair-metal-lead-singer kind of way.

His wardrobe was a leather vest and some stupid looking sunglasses.

That was it. Other than that, he was completely naked.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: David Lee Roth singing and hanging off the edge of a train, naked? That’s a little bit too risque, even for MTv!

I know, right?

But Diamond Dave had come up with a most elegant solution to that problem. There was nothing inappropriate on camera, because he had cleverly tucked his penis between his legs so that you couldn’t see it on camera.

At that point, the dream was pretty funny to me. David Lee Roth was doing some over-the-top 1980′s sex symbol posturing which involved a leather vest, some sunglasses, and a pair of tightly clenched thighs.

So then, in the dream, Dan turns to me.
“You see what he’s doing there?” Dan asked, referring to David Lee Roth’s hidden wang.
“That’s what you call ‘Cobra Kai-ing it’.”

This is the point where I started laughing hard enough to wake myself up.

It’s one of the more awesome dreams that I’ve ever had.

First of all, a lot of dreams lose their oomph when you wake up and think about them. A dream that seemed terrifying, important or incredibly sad while you’re asleep usually ends up just feeling absurd when you wake up and think about it. Not this one. It was funny while I was asleep, and it’s been funny to me ever since.

Second of all, it’s completely plausible. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with David Lee Roth, so let me just fill you in: He’s insane. Here are some pictures of him:

That should be more than enough to convince you, but let me really drive the point home with this video. Diamond Dave doesn’t even show up in the video until 1:32, and since I can’t get any of you assholes to even watch the first 10 seconds of an embedded video, it seems unlikely that you’ll do this, but if you do, I promise that it will totally be worth your while (as long as you consider buttless chaps “worth your while”):

Do you see what I mean? After viewing the evidence, I would almost say that it’s more implausible that David Lee Roth DIDN’T actually make a music video that featured him hanging off of a train while Cobra Kai’n it in a pair of sunglasses and an engineer’s hat.

But not only was it a great dream, I learned a new word in the process that’s going to save me time and energy. When I’m telling a friend about Silence of the Lambs, I can simply tell them “And then the crazy guy puts on some lipstick, puts some woman’s scalp on his head and starts dancing in front of the mirror while Cobra Kai’n it,” or, “I had to pee so bad during my 4th block! I was Cobra Kai’n it through the entire lesson!”

I’m not really sure how to end this post so…uh…here’s a video tutorial on how to do the moonwalk.

Happy Spring Break.